What if???

Although I have gotten to a point where things don’t fill my head constantly, I still have the what-ifs and if only.

What if I fought harder to save my marriage? IDK, I was so beat with things then I just didn’t have the energy anymore. If only I had the support I could have had the strength to fight harder.

What if I stayed on course with my weight loss last fall? I could be at 180 lbs, healthier, I may be better looking to others, maybe filled with much more confidence and energy.

If only I wasn’t a “nice guy”. Instead, a man who stood up for himself. A man who didn’t spend the majority of my life pleasing others instead of incorporating them into my happiness.

It’s hard cleaning out the cobwebs in my head, picking what to throw out and what to keep, they all have value to me, but are holding me back. I wish I can get back to 15yr old me. I was confident and unafraid to be who and what I wanted. I kind of knew what I wanted in life and was sure I could get there. My friends were mine and saw me as someone they want to hang with instead of someone to pity.

Here I am at 51. My body is fighting me to do anything physical and my mind betraying my every thought to move forward. No, you can’t really chase your dreams at 51 and broke. No, you can’t do all the things you have wanted to. These are just things people say when they want to blow you off and not have an actual conversation and/or do not want to lift a finger to help you. I can no longer fly Apache helicopters let alone join the service. I can’t just pick up and leave and see the states. I can’t just worry about myself and flip off the world.

I should be 4 years from retirement. I should have a 20yr military career and am almost 20yrs into my chosen job. Sitting on military retirement and a decent 401 or pension. I should have a happy marriage with adult children and some grandchildren we can spoil. I should be able to hold my head high knowing I behaved and lived as a man should. I should look and feel like an adult and respected in the village I live in.

But, I’m not. I’m a 2-time loser at marriage and being a true father. I have over $70,000 in debt and nothing to show for it. I’m fat, bald, and depressed. I have no one’s respect no matter what I do. Not my work, my family, my friends, and to a point my kids. I have absolutely no retirement and will work until I die, which seems like I will be alone now. Another man is having and making the memories I had always wanted to have with my kids and ex. My brothers and sister don’t talk to me and are all pissed at me for losing our parent’s home. My friends don’t talk to me anymore, going so far as to not even reply to the simplest of “how are you?” texts.

I am trying to be better and it’s hard when despite all your efforts, nothing happens to make it seem like you have made any improvements. I am eating berries and twigs, but it doesn’t seem like I am losing weight. I am skrimping and saving, but it doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I am reading self-help books only to feel like I have wasted time.  I am working to come out of my shell only to get dirty looks or absolutely ignored.  I just want a win.