I miss her. Somedays worse than others. We are getting close to 11 Months. Close to a year. It isn’t fair. It’s not.
She’s still here though. I know she is. The little signs. I was sitting here minutes ago. Looking at the “Out of the Darkness” Walk for Suicide Awareness. Making plans in my head. Missing her like crazy. So much. When suddenly a song comes on I’ve never heard “Heavens Not too Far Away by We Three”. Heavens not too far away and someday I know you’ll visit….. Listening to the lyrics the words were for something else, a different death, yet the chorus was perfect. Perfect timing. Perfect moment. She’s here. But gosh, I wish she was really here.
I’m hoping to make that Suicide Awareness Walk. It’s on a Thursday but I can hopefully use some vacation or just go for the end. With full plans of wearing my beautiful Kira Shirt. She was murdered. Yet, if he didn’t feel suicide was an option for him he may not have killed her. Thus, I do feel preventing his suicide and offering mental health treatment would have prevented her murder. It’s related. In a way her death was a side effect of a suicide. And damn it, she deserves awareness too.
There are too many suicides in our area. Too many attempts. Too much mental illness. It’s awful. I’ve lost too many friends this way too. Easter made me realize there’s another Sunday death and another reason I hate Sundays. My childhood family friend Corey committed suicide early on Easter Sunday Morning in 2008. His mom went to wake him for church and found him. I remember that awful call as we were just beginning the kids egg hunt. He had his whole life in front of him and took it in an instant. So important.
In the end – I miss K. I think of her lots lately. Did I mention the dream about her I had forever ago? Just the one dream. She’s never came back. It was almost the same as Brady’s dream. Brady we were in a crowded bar and he walked in. I was so happy to see him. He smiled, waved and said “I’ll be right over here when you’re ready” point towards an area in the back. So real. The end. Kira was the same. Standing in what looked like nearly the same bar. She came in. Said hi, hugs. I told her I missed her and she agreed. Then the same sentence almost “I have to go, but I’ll be over there waiting”. I was thinking, so you’re going to hang out with Brady?! And then I woke up. Again, so real. No dreams since.
Except of an older lady I haven’t saw in nearly 30 years. That was odd. So odd. Why am I dreaming of someone I had a slight connection with 3 decades ago? I can’t even tell anyone that. Remember Eleanor who you thought of as a grandma? She was in my dream and had to remind me who she was and we talked for a long time. Ummm yeah, sounds insane. I want to dream of Kira, Brady, Jamie. I guess I don’t get to pick and choose. Yet, I think my mind is losing it.
Ohhhhh K, how I wish I could change things. Fix things. I wish it would have been different. Lately, I wish I’d of talked to you more, answered your texts faster, supported you more. Maybe done something to give you the strength to leave and stay gone. I’m in the stage of regrets, doubts, what-ifs. Really, she shouldn’t have died. It was preventable. Unnecessary. Tragic. So much should have been different. So much.
I still see your smiling face in my head. If I concentrate I can still hear your voice and laugh. I can hear your sarcasm, your jokes. I can still feel your hugs. Yet, someday that’s going to be a distant memory and that is going to unbearably suck.
I miss you friend. I hope you’re loving the other side. I’m sure it’s wonderful. I’m happy you’re at peace and away from your demons. I just wish you could have found that here, on this earth, with us. Love you so much.