Money and Nightmares

Just another day in paradise.

Sitting in my office job.  My new client likes to not actually come in.  So, we’ve got our 5th or 6th NCNS for enrollment.  I may fit her in this week if she happens to call or email.  I may not.  My boss said to start only scheduling her once a week.  However, I’ve got this theory if I have the open space on the calendar I should schedule her again.  It’s somewhat stupid not to.  She’s only got 30 days to complete her enrollment though so she’s got a little over a week left.  Then she’s back to square one.  Obviously, if she can’t make it to her first appointment this program isn’t really for her anyways.  So, the rest of my day will simply be spent organizing, making sure my files are beautiful.  Same thing.  Different day.

Tomorrow is the last day of the month – I’m currently feeling pretty good about it.  My goal was to stick to my strict, obsessive budget for the month and I basically did.  My budget for gas, entertainment, A and M were all actually lower.  I spent a little more than I had wanted on eating out, groceries and random household.  However, it was still decent as I’d cut them down REALLY low.  So, it’s within reason what we spent really.  I should maybe set this a little more realistically for March.

Our entire next egg retrieval and fresh transfer are paid in full.  I’ve got cash for all the meds.  For March I guess I need to save cash for the PGT Testing.  With the crazy price increases they did I’m estimating we’re going to need $2,100+ for this.  This is assuming I simply get 4 embryos to make it to PGT.  Hopefully, I can somehow accomplish this.  I *think* I can.  Then April I should probably save for the travel – Let’s say $1,000 to be safe.  Last up will be the monitoring bills I’ll get after the fact because it takes forever to get them – $2K?  So, I need to save – $5K more.  Basically to be safe and not in debt I’d ideally have $8K – $10K in savings for meds, PGT, travel, monitoring.  UGH.  That seems daunting when put that way.  I think I’ll stick with my current steps of breaking it down.  It’s at least not so scary.  Let’s shoot for $5K in cash saved by 3/31.  (Dream big?)  $6K would be a bonus. Ha.

I’ve started the unhappy process of priming.  I have no idea why it’s taken me so long to get on this.  Mentally I was not ready to begin a day sooner.  But I’m back on it.  So, there’s that.  The nightly shots of Omni – make me tired.  It’s a nice side effect I guess.  I need to bring the Serovital to work so I don’t forget to take it.  I also need to work on starting a cleaner eating.  Other than that I’m taking the shots and swallowing all the supplements.  Yay.  (I think I’m so against it as I just keep thinking how let down I’m going to be if I did all this and still get nothing.  Ugh.)  Currently, I’m tracking and have a tentative stim starting date of 5/25 and retrieval somewhere in the first week of June.  This will change as the months go, but those dates give me the guaranteed 90 days of priming and a fresh cycle starting.  And good roads.  Ideally, this cycle will go great or I can repeat in July and September.  I’d like to begin transfers by October and the MOST retrievals I will do is 4.  Max amount.  I only say 4 as the 4th one is discounted greatly.  I would never make it to 4 if it wasn’t for that.  Heck, I don’t know if I’ll even make it to 4 as it is.  The ending of retrieval two will be time for a lot of soul searching.


I typed all that yesterday and then didn’t bother to finish.

The new goal for 3/31 – $6K for sure.  My budget now says saving $2K is doable which will bump it to the $6K.  Am I money obsessed?  Absolutely.  Well, I obsessed with doing things without going into debt.  So, by April 1st I’ll have enough for PGT and Medication.  That’ll just leave April and May to manage to save for travel and monitoring.  I’ve got this.  Absolutely.

M’s mom gave me a little bit of money to go towards M.  Not a ton but every penny obviously helps.  I’d like to get him a new pair of shoes as he’ll be in 9’s soon and possibly one of those indoor sensory swings and probably a couple cases of diapers.  I’m hoping the Costco diapers go on sale this month.  He honestly doesn’t need much else in March.  Hopefully she’s back on the right track now.  We will see.

Last night’s nightmare was intense.  Beyond intense.  Why? I’ve spent today trying to figure out what could have triggered this.  I have no idea.  Facebook Memories?  I’ve had a lot of them lately.  Just things that glancing you’d have no idea – Reading between the lines I know what they were referencing.  The awful moments.  2015 was such a horrid year.  He was in active addiction.  Sliding deeper into it.  By the end of that year it was scary, awful, I was ready to leave.  He got sober enough to convince me into staying for another 6 years.  I know the Omni and LDN cause more vivid dreams too.  So, I’m going to guess they’re playing a part in getting my subconscious mind to acknowledge repressed thoughts, feelings, emotions.

The nightmare – He was there.  Fighting with me.  Being a jerk.  I stayed.  It got worse.  Imagine that?  By the end of the dream I was covered in bruises, choked, bleeding.  Then had to go work.  Our CPS Worker was somehow there and saw me.  I was upset I didn’t cover up the new marks.  Upset they’d take M.  Because I told them I’d never be in that situation again.  The only way they were going to let me keep M was to assure them he would never be back.  Yet, I was scared to do this.  Scared to tell him he couldn’t come back.  Scared to not have him anymore.  He had told me to lie to them, get rid of M, let him back.

And then I woke up – No physical bruises.  No choking.  No gasping for air.  But the emotional bruises – My gosh.  I can still remember them clearly.  Its been nearly 2 years and I can still remember the pain, the heartache, the fighting.  It was ugly.  The bruises were ugly.  The heartache – well that was just freaking painful.  Of course I get to remember the bad times.  Why wouldn’t I?  Hopefully tonight’s nightmares are just amazing, happy dreams.  I’ve earned them at this point.  Right?

That’s about all I have.  At least all I feel like typing about.  Or something.  Tomorrow the long work days resume and I woke the weekend.  Simply dreaming of Sunday at this point.

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