Never. Just never.
A couple weeks ago my therapist asked what it would look like if I wanted to make peace with my mom and work on building that relationship. I thought about. Silence. Nothing. It would look like nothing. I’m not doing it today, tomorrow or currently ever. No thanks.
She interjected that it was good I knew my firmness in this and had created boundaries. Then asked if I’d ever tried before to tell her where the issues lie. Yeah. Sure. These conversations always end the same – she’s the crying victim, everyone is mean to her, nobody cares. Not seeing her fault in life or anything. She was perfect and the world just doesn’t like her. Never once have I heard – Yeah, I see the problem, that was a stupid idea. Not once.
She then stressed how important it was to keep these boundaries then. Oh trust me, I suck at boundaries but I’ve been building hers for over a decade. They aren’t going anywhere.
My mom continued on – She never asks how I am, offers to help out. All she cares about is food. Going to eat with whoever she’s with, then it can all look like we’re so great. Friday I was at her office for work and mentioned I had an awful kidney infection again and felt miserable and was going to bed at 5. She then texts me at 5:30 all about how she’s going to eat with all these people, and she’s about given up on asking me, but would I go with. I simply said, “no thank you”. She responds with – This is why I’m giving up, you’ll never go with us. Ummmm for real? I replied and asked if she remembered I was sick an hour ago and going to be? Did she remember I don’t want to be used as someone to show off to her friends? And not to ask again, giving up is good, she’ll be the first person I call when I have more than 5 minutes to myself and decide I want to go eat or hang out with random people who don’t care. No response. Nothing. Not a hope you feel better. Not a I forgot, sorry, want me to bring you food. Nothing. Per usual.
I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I’m building a new life for myself and it just doesn’t involve fakeness or drama. At all. None. And anytime I question myself and if I’m the asshole the memories come flooding back.
She was never there. She never loved me through my entire childhood as she should. She took MY daughter for a do-over instead of helping me. Then convincing me it was best or she’d take my other kids & fight me. She let me be homeless at one point after leaving an awful relationship and moving back to my hometown. No room for me and my two boys. I had to live with my oldest’s dad who was super nice to help me out for a couple months. Even then, WE couldn’t have our daughter. Tho we were both doing great. She told everyone during my 1st divorce that she felt like she was the one getting divorced. She let him live with her. She partied with him. All of this while I have an active Protection Order. She wouldn’t even talk to me for my birthday that year. Nothing. Her life was ending as I got divorced. For real. She chose her party, biker lifestyle over being a parent. She chose people who had betrayed me or hurt me over protecting me. She put me in situations she never should have. She’s used me just to look like an amazing person. She cries about how awful we treat her. Which is such a lie or self induced, leaving out what she did first
Because God forbid the community realize she’s fake as hell. She’s got to look amazing. Her daughter not being her BFF looks awful. So let’s stage fake scenes and post all about it.
I’m good. So good. I think I’m remembering more with therapy. This Trauma Story is really fucking with my head and I’m only at 13. Seriously. It’s enough though for me to write something and then go – WTF. That happened?
She isn’t good for me, for my healing, for my soul. So, yeah, the answer is never. You have to cut out the toxic. Even if it’s family. And she is probably one of the most damaging people to me. So today, today I can’t even say someday. Today the answer is never. Absolutely never.
And I feel no loss for that. No sadness. Nothing. Which probably speaks for itself.