I chose to stay home, alone, today. Sometimes the anxiety just gets the best of me and the thought of peopling is just too much. Today was one of those days. My boss made me an awesome offer to go to her moms. I wanted to. Then I remembered how big her family is and decided I didn’t want to.
My own amazing mom remembered I existed late Tuesday night. Sending me a long, pity party, text on why she hadn’t invited me but now wanted me to come. In reality – she invited me after I was at her office for work stuff and she overheard me tell her coworker my boss had invited me. Oh yeah, now you look like a jackass because her coworkers response was – You should go, I’m sure she invited you because they don’t want you alone for the holiday. Flash – Boom – I remember I have a daughter. I had no idea my mom was even making food. Found out from my son Monday night who said – Grandma invited me and said it was because you weren’t cooking for THEM. I didn’t respond to her text. I had nothing to say. There was no reason for a novel. A simple invite would have been nice. Maybe sooner knowing they knew they were cooking long before. Why respond? She texted me again late last night to see if I’d come and then threw in Max was invited too. How nice of her. I didn’t respond yet again. It’s her way of saving face when she thought I’d be going somewhere else. She isn’t genuine or true. She’s the fakest, most self absorbed person. Everything has a motive.
I simply just don’t want to play. I don’t want to participate in games – from anyone. I want to just live happily ever after. And she suffocates my happiness. My crazy stepsister blocked her long ago. She’s crazy and I assumed it was her being her. Now I’m seeing it was probably both of them being themselves. Toxic combination. No thanks. Blood isn’t thicker than water. If I wouldn’t allow random people to treat me bad, I won’t allow her either. The end. Nobody gets a free pass anymore. I’m my own priority. (No worries – She’s vaguebooking on Facebook and had tons of sympathy and pats on the back.)
Therapy this week was rough. Good but rough. My anxiety has just been awful. She agreed with my med doctor that I do need to feel the feelings and avoid Xanax until I can’t. Yay. We went over healthy coping skills. Ways to shock my system from the anxiety and panic attacks. We’d tried some sour stuff last time. It was nothing to me. Barely sour. And in a full anxiety episode – Zero sour. She said that speaks volumes and shows how disconnected my body really is and she suspects I’ve numbed all feelings, disconnected, checked out. Now we have to fix this. Ugh. No. It sucks. At the end she reminded me to practice self care and it was okay to hurt other people’s feelings to do what’s best for me. That people need to accept I need space, I can’t be everyone’s help, etc. Specifically my family and mother. Obviously I was successful at this and set my boundaries firmly. Do I feel guilt I didn’t go? A little. But I always feel guilt. Another thing to fix.
I work a ton the next couple days. Alllllll day tomorrow 8-5. Then 7p – 3a or so at the bar Friday night for the Black Friday party. Thennnn, 5p-3a or later Saturday. (It’ll be my first night alone and I suspect close will take me longer.) Even with today off as a holiday I’ll end up with about 55+ hours this week. Normal weeks will be 60 – 70 hours between the State, Waitressing, Bartending. Of course I’m done peopling. That’s a TON of people and free counseling sessions. I can’t be blamed for my need to escape on days off. I’m doing what I need to do for myself, my kids and my home.
Every long week is another week closer to my goals. I’ll reach them. Excel. Live happily ever after. It’s all just temporary to complete the master plan and reach the desired finish line.