Preparing for Escalation

The cold hard truth is life will never be the same. I’ll never again be that girl from 15 years ago before I met him. She’s gone. People say they want to find the old them. It’s impossible. Instead all I can do is find the new me.

I get to sign the papers on Friday. I’m both excited for this nightmare to be over but so anxious. Why? Why am I anxious? Because I know his behavior is being delicately held together by his attorney. I know once it’s final he won’t have attorneys or a direct judge to answer to. I know, statistically, his behavior is likely to escalate. And this is terrifying.

My therapist just called to reschedule and we ended up with a short session. I simply told her I get to sign Friday. And she begins…. Can we make a promise together? Ummmm yeah? I don’t want to be an alarmist, but you work in this field too. You know the domestic violence cycle. You know the most dangerous time is when you leave. When this is officially final the possibility he will spiral worse is high. Yeah, I know. Will you promise me the first time he does ANYTHING once this is final you will get a protection order and NOT be talked into cancelling it.

Yes. Yes, I will. I promise her I will. I promise myself I will. I promise my kids and grandkids I will. Nobody deserves to face the consequences of his retaliation. It’s just a piece of paper. I know this. But I’m also armed and need to go practice. I’ve worked too hard to escape this life to let him take mine in the end. Would he do something like that? In his current mindset – I feel he’s capable of anything. Just a couple weeks ago there was a double murder, suicide near one of the towns I work in at a bar. In the end – The husband tracked down his wife and killed her, her boyfriend and then himself. Evil is out there. It’s really out there and anyone, in the right state, is capable of the worst.

I hate that I feel anxious and scared. I hate that I feel I live life looking over my shoulder. Locking doors. Anxiously answering my phone. Waiting for the shoe to drop. And I hate that this feeling only gets worse as it ends and not better. I have a feeling it’ll get far harder before it gets better. It is what it is.

I’m not stronger because of everything I’ve been through. I’m growing stronger because I’m keeping my chin up, working my ass off to fix me and doing everything I can to be the person I can be. Because someday I will build myself into something amazing, I won’t live in fear, I will never allow someone walk all over me or abuse me again. I’m stronger because I’m fighting and not giving up.

So, 48 hours and then I get to sign. I’m praying the judge just signs and that’s over. So I can get on waiting for what’s next. I’m dreading a hearing. I’d rather do anything than have to go to court and see him.

I just want this to be over. I want to wake up one day and feel like this was just a long ago bad dream and not my reality.