Tired of being tired. That sums up my whole life. 100%. 3 weeks. That’s what I’ve decided is the end of the awful chaos. I work this weekend. Next weekend I have off BUT it’s graduation so it’s not even like a weekend off as I’ll be so busy. So, 3 weeks and my every other weekend will truly begin. I’ve figured out I haven’t had a legit weekend off without busy thing since January. No wonder I’m f’ing tired. It’s been a long ass road.
Waited tables last night. One of Captain Douche’s old friends came in who I always really liked. We started talking and he said he never really chose a side but I blocked him. I explained I had to for my own safety as every post I made on Facebook was going back to Douche and I couldn’t risk him knowing anything about my life. He then told me more about the totaling of his truck. He didn’t just total his truck on black ice. He totaled the truck. Proceeded to get in a semi. Left the truck knowing HP we’re on their way. Got a ride 3 hours to where he lives. Avoided all contact with law enforcement. I simply said – It finally makes sense. I’ve said this WHOLE time I didn’t understand how he didn’t get a DUI. This guy says – well, I gave him a ride to his house from the truck stop and I didn’t smell any booze. No. You wouldn’t. He’s doing meth badly again. We discussed this for a moment. Then he said, well that makes more sense too. He then told me the highway patrol feels the same way and informed him they didn’t believe he just randomly found a ride. His pick up wasn’t disabled and was safe to sit in until they arrived. He could have waited. They also stated there was no ice where he said there way. He’s been charged with Leaving the Scene of an Accident and either a Careless or Reckless Driving Charge. I truly hope they don’t reduce these charges as I guess he’s fighting them.
It’s sad and scary. I know he’s high. I know he’s a mess. But to realize how bad his life has truly gotten. I hate him. I hate what he’s done to me. I hate so much. But in the same breath – He’s someone’s child, someone’s brother. If he wasn’t such a narcissistic drug abusing asshole he could be a good person. He’s got potential somewhere in there. But instead – He just throws it all away. He’s going to kill someone or himself. Sad but true. The thought of him out driving like that. It’s scary. The fact he drives a big ass fuel truck. Scary. As much as I hate him, I hate who he’s let himself become even more and I absolutely hate the people who started dealing him drugs again.
Getting & staying clean isn’t easy. But it’s doable. Seriously. If I can do it – He could do it. Problem is, you have to want to. I’ll have 17 years this September I believe. I read my old entries on here occasionally from 18 years ago. I fought so hard to get clean. It was rough. Awful. Depressing. I started back at Day 1 so many times. But, I made it. I went from an addict who’s life was falling apart and about ready to lose her kids to a clean, sober adult who has successfully raised 3 children, gotten a Bachelors Degree, has a good job, lives in a great house in the best neighborhood and pays all her bills herself. I climbed mountains to achieve this. Mountains. So many obstacles. So many barriers. Statistics that weren’t in my favor. But I did it. I simply wish he could do it too.
Instead, I know he’s high. I know he’s drunk. I know he’s spiraling. This causes me to live in building fear. Meth is unpredictable. His ability to be volatile is even higher. It honestly scares me. I know him. I know what he’s capable of. I know the escalation possible with drugs in his system. I’ve heard him rant and rave high. I’ve heard the threats he’s made towards other people. I’ve heard him threaten to go kill his entire workplace in 2015 while high (he quit thankfully and I kicked him out immediately until he was clean). So, I continue to have nightmares. I continue to live with extreme hyper vigilance. I continue to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. The next escalation will be when he has to pay me out from the divorce. He has until 7/3/22. It’s going to be an ugly episode. I already know. But I need it to be ugly enough to file for a Protection Order. Yet, nice enough to survive it. (Because right now I really don’t have enough for an order as I chose to drop it during the divorce proceedings and I’ve had no physical contact since September.)
Sigh. It just sucks. 14 years with someone who in the end is such an awful person. No wonder I have so many issues. It’s not surprise. Hell, it’s surprise I held it together as long as I did.
Next up…. Time for therapy.