Dark days

It’s not what I expected it to be, being here.

I didn’t anticipate the stress, the worry. The fact that my former pain hangs thick in the air.

that energy sent me a bit crazy. When I first arrived back I didn’t know why I felt so out of sorts but I spent a few more days feeling low and then gave way.
the boredom the pain makes me feel restless and stirred up. It makes me feel desperate and hopeless.

I don’t know where I stand. I did feel Florey fragile, suicidal but I think in time I’ll be able to find joy again. One place where I find it is writing, the other is cooking.
when I move into my new place I will make it so comfortable and so cosy. I will make it a sanctuary or retreat.

for now I will try to keep busy. Try to distract myself from these feelings. Try to create something. Try to survive