Whoa, that was weird
Once upon a time, a friend of mine and his wife were trying to get pregnant.
They tried and tried and tried. At first, they just stopped using birth control. When that didn’t work, they started tracking cycles and ovulation and made love standing on their heads. Then, they enlisted the doctors and got shots and got emotional. And then, they went the en vitro route.
Finally, they got pregnant, and gave birth to a beautiful baby. A beautiful baby who is now being raised by in-laws, babysitters, and daycare providers. Anyone but his parents. A baby who can’t be dropped off fast enough.
Don’t get me wrong. They love the kid. That’s for sure. But considering all the trouble they went through, and considering all of the troubles they had getting knocked up, you’d think that they would spend more time at home. Consider a single-income household. Something. But it appears that during the mad rush to achieve what appeared to be impossible, they lost sight of what it really meant to have a baby.
We always want what we can’t have.
I tell this story, because I’ve recently had an epiphany of sorts. I was at the Brigade game with Mark (we bought season tickets), and we were playing “That’s my cheerleader.” (It’s a derivation of the classic game “that’s my car” that I’m sure many of you played as a kid.) We were going back and forth—pointing out a great ass here or a set of snappy hips there—and it all just kind of dawned on me.
I’m not so sure I want to settle down.
Starting with Amy in 1999 and peaking with Rachel in 2004, I have been on the hunt for “Happily Ever After.” I’ve taken my breaks here and there during that period, but there has always been the underlying goal: Settle down. Have kids. Start a family. An admirable aim, to be sure. And believe me when I tell you that I’m not knocking it at all.
But more and more, I don’t think it’s for me. I’ve taken my lumps in the dating world. That much is true, but then again, who hasn’t? In the game of love, everyone has a losing record. I’m no more battered and bruised than anyone else. So don’t assume that me being jaded has anything to do with it. Because I don’t really think I’m all that jaded.
In the race to follow the “natural progression,” I’ve had tunnel vision. I was rarin’ to hit the other side of the fence. Marriage. Kids. Family. Move. Move. Move. Not seeing the forest for the trees. Not smelling the flowers. Not taking time to… whatever. Just wanting what I didn’t have. Wanting what has, to this point, eluded me. Reach the finish line. Perspective was out the window, as I’d focused in on what I DIDN’T have. Regardless of whether or not it was still the right choice for me.
And the revelation came upon me quickly. Quickly, as in: You’re walking down the street at a brisk pace. Head down. Mind on something else. In an instant, you catch something out of the corner of your eye that makes you think there’s an obstacle in your path. Like you’re about to crash into a light pole. You stop suddenly, look up, and you see nothing is there. You change your pace and your path a little, and you keep walking. And you think, “Whoa… that was weird.”
It was like that.
Things are pretty spectacular for me right now. It’s difficult to put into words the benefits of being single, but they’re too often overlooked. And I’ve been taking them for granted. From the tiki clock in the bathroom to the bank account with only my name on it. The fact that I can wait until 11 to go home tonight without having to make a single phone call. I can quit my job tomorrow. Maybe I’ll sell my house next month. Ultimately, there’s only one person to whom I have to answer.
The dude who paid twelve bucks for this diary.
My family has babies coming out the wazoo right now. Two new nephews and two new nieces. As my brother is working two jobs (his full time job, and the driving range he opened with my brother-in-law), he’s always calling on me to watch the twins. And these are marathon sessions, too—we’re talking 6-8 hour sessions with two 18-month-old children. We laugh and we play and I feed them and change them and put them down for naps and deal with tantrums and bumped heads and climbing on shaky structures and graham crackers smashed into the carpet. And then I go home. I love those kids with all my heart and soul, and I’m finding that my surrogate fatherhood is enough for me.
So me and Mark are playing “that’s my cheerleader.” And he leans over and points to what has to be the most fantastic, juicy, bubblicious ass on the field and he says, “Do you know what I’d do to that?”
<p class="MsoNormal" style=”MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt”>
“Prematurely ejaculate,” I replied.
A guy was sitting down the aisle from us. He smiled, because he’s had that conversation before. On the other side of him is his wife. Rolling her eyes around like marbles in a soda can. And I thought to myself: There’s a chance that guy is going to get grief for our conversation. Meanwhile, I was deciding in the back of my mind whether or not I wanted to have Chinese for dinner for the 5th time that week.
Over the past year or so, “We’re never getting married,” has become Mark’s new mantra. It’s a phrase he typically utters after we’ve spent a sufficient amount of time mentally and/or verbally undressing some unsuspecting woman. In the past, I always shrugged it off, because it conflicted with my “master plan.” But now, I tend to think… would that really be so awful? Do I really want to jump headlong at the chance to settle down and start a family? Come to think of it, I really don’t.
I see that married line of thinking dissipate. It vanishes into thin air. And the illusion of “once I settle down, my life will really BEGIN” makes about as much sense as… well… nothing. I’m faced, then, with my reality—and it’s pretty fucking good. I realize with a jolt that I’ve been trying to rush through an enjoyable life. I pause, refocus, and then I say to myself,
“Whoa, that was weird…”
the “premature ejaculate” comment is classic!
Warning Comment
that’d be “prematurely”… duh.
Warning Comment
It is rare the person who can be so insightful…about himself. This is a really good entry. Welcome back.
Warning Comment
I wonder how many notes saying “just wait and see” you’re going to get on this one. I get the “one day you’ll change your mind” all the time (regarding babies, not marriage).
Warning Comment
Thank you.
Warning Comment
Preach it, brother! I was married for 13 years. I love my son with all of my heart, but I also wish that I never was ever married, in a way. And if I didnt have to pay child support, I wouldnt be living with my girlfriend to this day. If you can swing the money, more power to ya. Preach it, brother. Preach it. Eric
Warning Comment
Broke up with another one, did we? 🙂
Warning Comment
It’s just a matter of “when it’s right.” For some people, it’s 25. Others, 45. Others (though few and far between… because when all your friends have settled down– and at 32, I’m sure you have plenty who haven’t but at 52 you might want to look again), maybe never. Lucky for you you’re a man and don’t have to worry about it. You can shoot baby-butter until you’re old and decrepit. *wink*
Warning Comment
Chris and I were in a hurry to get married, and then once we were it was like “Now What?” Thankfully he and I interest each other enough in a lot of different ways that we continue to have a great, steady, strong, fun, relationship. We couldnt’t have made it unless we liked each other as well. And that’s either there or it isn’t.
Warning Comment
You could always just find yourself a nice dirty hooker that will keep on the birth control, admire the bubblicious ass with you, and not give a sh-t if you eat chinese all week and screw the neighbor, but still provide in-home booty at will. It’s a thought. Worked for me.
Warning Comment
I can hear the WHOLE bubblicious ass conversation.
Warning Comment
wait, did she just call Nude a dirty hooker??
Warning Comment
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, watching people having relationships and marriages crumble, is that far too many people think that marriage and family is going to be the be all-end all of their life that they forget to truely live, efore and during marriage. I think that’s why so many fail. People think it’s the gold ring of life when it’s not. Personally, I’ve never seen why it
Warning Comment
(c.) is such a big goal for people. I mean, if you love someone and want to be wit hthem for the rest of your life, you don’t need a piece of paper to validate your feelings. ::shrugs:: That may just be me though.
Warning Comment
I was going to comment on a couple of things, but I lost ’em all when I read the “Prematurely ejaculate?” line.
Warning Comment
Oh great, it’s exactly NOW when you bump into someone really spectacular. “Whoa, that IS weird”.
Warning Comment
There is no forever. There is only now. Frankly, I can’t understand why anyone would have kids… but some of my favorite people are parents.
Warning Comment
I hate to go and burst your bubble and all that, but this is EXACTLY when Ms. Right will come wandering in to your life – or falling in to your lap at a bar – or whatever. When you finally decide that you’re okay with your life JUST AS IT IS, the world will turn upsidedown. But the key is, your happy. So whatever happens, it’s all good. You mean you’re available for babysitting?????!!!!!
Warning Comment
thank you, i needed that.
Warning Comment
miss you.
Warning Comment
I’m kind of leaning toward the comments that of all times now would be the time the “right” one drops outta the sky. If not, it sounds like you’re more than ok with the way things are. Either way, you win! 🙂
Warning Comment
You could always just get yourself a dir…damn that woman!!
Warning Comment
Maybe this is too practical, but I want to have someone who can take care of me when I’m old. That’s not the ONLY reason for having kids, but it is a reason. That and now that I have a kid, things look totally different to me. I never thought I’d be ready.
Warning Comment
I should email you the name of the porn film that I watched once that helped me to finally understand why men are so attracted to a woman’s ass. Even I wanted to prematurely ejaculate. I think you should have babies with Max.
Warning Comment
Welcome back and enjoy those times spent with yourself and the things you want to do. All things in their proper time and place. 🙂
Warning Comment
That is SO true. Once i settled down with a long-term boyfriend, i understood what i had missed by not fully enjoying my single life. I can’t help thinking that i could have had a lot more fun doing the things i did if i had seen them as my life and not as a means to an end.
Warning Comment
In a lot of ways, I came at things from the opposite point of view – I never assumed I’d get married or even really settle down, so buying a house and living with my bf produced a lot of “whoa, that was weird…” moments. It’s a good feeling when you discover paths that make you happy, whether or not they’re ones you expected.
Warning Comment
Good to see an update from you! As said in your earlier notes, it’s the moment you stop looking that what you were looking for finally appears. When she does come along though, you don’t have to get married. More important is the journey. Your realization that you were walking with head down, racing toward a finish line is the best thing that could happen. Whether you’re single or married
Warning Comment
one can get in that same rut. You just got reminded to stop and smell the roses…one should always do that, regardless of their situation in life. Great entry!
Warning Comment
The premature ejaculation crack made my day!
Warning Comment
There’s a very good chance that guy got grief for that conversation. Cuz marriage is supposed to be all civilizing and stuff. I will definitely be tucking that comment away for use in a future conversation.
Warning Comment
Who do you think you’re talking to? I didn’t just fall of the OD turnip truck yesterday!
Warning Comment
Wonderful to see an entry from you. Eagerly anticipating more of the old P that we love.
Warning Comment
I don’t know who’s the bigger dork…you for leaving that note, or me for TOTALLY getting it. Like, TOTALLY. Fer sure.
Warning Comment
How?
Warning Comment
Of course, it was about the time I decided that I was going to be thoroughly content being single after Billy finally got out of my life that someone came along who really made things different for me. However, I don’t want children, and that shocks people left and right. I have built-in future step-kids, but honestly, the youngest is 7. *shrugs* Hugs to you, and Welcome Back
Warning Comment
I totally see your perspective. Having a child so young and doing it alone this whole time makes me realize I don’t need a man or any relationship, really, to be happy. My biological clock isn’t ticking. I’m in no rush. I still have plenty of personal goals to accomplish, and marriage isn’t one of them. Sure, the idea sounds fun. Getting a huge diamond would be great….
Warning Comment
But I”m still a little selfish. When I do have “me” time, the last thing I want to do is use it on some boyfriend. I’ll probably change my mind about this in 6 months. And 6 months after that I’ll feel this way again. Yet another reason why I am not ready to settle.
Warning Comment
Maybe its not that you won’t ever be married. Marriage shouldn’t be for marriages sake (and I have that same problem with wanting to settle) but it should be because you can’t imagine life without the person you are with. At least that’s how it is in my fairy tale mind. 😀
Warning Comment
This was damned good.
Warning Comment
ryn: AHAHAHHA! But now that you mention it…
Warning Comment
RYN: We both go. Eric
Warning Comment
So many people wait for someone to show up and get married and stuff so their lives can start, failing to appreciate the single life. I loved being single for all the reasons you said, except leering at cheerleaders. I would have laughed at your comment. First time noter,
Warning Comment
Hmmm, interesting. Though, I consider self-sacrifice to be significantly different from simple suicide.
Warning Comment
Sounds like you’re having an Uncle Buck moment. Sometimes you get married and don’t have any kids.
Warning Comment
Oh yeah let’s eat more chinese and just be single. hehe. Good to see a new entry. Happy green day to you. Aims
Warning Comment
*sigh* Why can’t you live closer? Hmmmm? You would be my ultimate date. Even if you wanted to…I don’t think you would try to get down my pants. At least not the FIRST time you met me. I need to get where you are. I think tonight was a swift kick in that direction.
Warning Comment
Well, how do you think wives feel? She may have been rolling her eyes because she WAS UNDRESSING YOU guys. Women, even crazy ones like me, have feelings. I am so glad to read you still – I know it is a honor you have not knocked me off here. Glad to see you are still you, and happy, but for REAL! Women feel the same way. I so should have been a man! U do not have to be married though to validate a
Warning Comment
thing. You are such a great guy, some woman will either fall in love or not, but you will be okay eithr way. And thats a good thing. Take care. *hugs*.
Warning Comment
Totally enjoy where you are hon. That was what my Dad always taught me and my siblings. My brother is 10 years older than me, never married and sometimes feels like he’s missing something ’till he comes and visits and has the noise, chaos, things getting broken, you know. Then he returns quietly to CA with a book on the plane, settles in with no craziness and I know he sighs in relief.
Warning Comment
He goes back to his bachelor pad with the big screen TV in the bedroom and watches whatever he wants, runs his business, saves a shitload of money and he’s happy. It may or may not happen for you (a family) but either way you should definitely be enjoying whatever life station you’re at. Secretly, I’m envious of you bachelors. Oh to have private bathroom time again :)~
Warning Comment
not a shitty neighborhood, just a kinda shitty apt. not even shitty apt. just don’t know that it’s worth going condo. It is too small and probably too expensive for what it is. I mean it woulda been good for just the two of us but now there are three.
Warning Comment
RYN: I’m not going to tell him this weekend, unless he makes some definitive move that says he’s feeling the same way. Then I might mention it. 🙂 Otherwise, mum’s the word, and I’ll be looking like my old foxy self again. I’ll probably drunk-dial you if I get tempted and want to stop myself. Big Daddy to the rescue!
Warning Comment
Just stopping by to say Hello.
Warning Comment
I like the PE comment – and I love your mention of what the FO diaries could really do, e-mail.
Warning Comment
grudgeholder.
Warning Comment
Two eighteen month olds for 6-8 hours at a time!? You’re amazing!!!
Warning Comment
RYN: Why not?
Warning Comment
I can tell you don’t read all my entries. I made one a few weeks ago that refered directly to you. And you never noted.
Warning Comment
RYN: Still send it! I love country music!
Warning Comment
YOUR PICTURE FOR YOUR DIARY. OH MY GOD. I’m totally going to see that exhibit, btw. It opens next week. Its like 10 minutes from my apt.
Warning Comment
we never find what we are looking for while we are looking for it – it will come to us when we stop looking and then you’ll say Whoa, that was weird
Warning Comment
Wandered in most recently via Bridget Jonesing (having stopped by every now and then over the years, because what longtime diarist doesn’t know about Parliament?), and have to say: I know what you mean. I had that same revelation a while ago and decided to join the Navy Reserve. Because really, who’s going to stop me or have a problem with it? Nice feeling.
Warning Comment