No Judgment?

It keeps coming up around the office, like it’s some kind of major topic of discussion.  I no longer see any reason why it needs to still be discussed, but yet, I keep hearing people talking about it.  I mentioned in a prior entry that Kim had moved on and accepted a promotion within the department.  With this promotion, she effectively transferred to an entirely different building and would be doing a completely different job than before.  I thought that she would have embraced her new position with open arms, but instead, she has chosen to drag her feet and focus her attention on how much she hated my building and now, how much she despises the majority of the people who still work there.  This week will be her second week in her new position.  I can’t say how much hatred she will continue to spew with regards to how much she can’t stand my office, but somehow, I’m not convinced that she is completely “over it” yet.

I woke up this morning at 3:35am, a whole 10 minutes earlier than usual.  I don’t know why.  Actually, I do know why.  I figured that the sooner I got to the office, the sooner I could leave.  I worked from 4:30am until 12:15pm.  I was done, but that wasn’t because I was done with the work part.  Even for a holiday, there were way too many people in the office.  It wasn’t the desolate wasteland that normally accompanies the weekends and that kind of threw me out of any groove I could have gotten into.  I like it when I’m the only one in the office and for the most part, Monday holidays used to be that way.  No one would show up.  Today, that definitely was not the case.  Oh well, I tried for eight hours.  I came close.       

Often, I am reminded about how drastically different I am from most people, both in the workplace and the world as a whole.  Apparently, my being an introvert creates challenges for some of the people with whom I associate, enough to make people question why they even bother to do so in the first place.  I like that I’m different and that I’m hard to read.  I like that my brain operates differently than everyone else’s and that people question why I am the way I am.  This doesn’t mean that these people will ever get an answer, but I like that I’m being questioned about how I do what I do.      

I don’t care if people see my being different as a good thing or a bad thing, because in the end, I’m not going to change who I am based on other people’s perception of me.  I will continue to be me and those around me can either take it or leave it.  Maybe to use a little bit of slang here, people can continue to rock with me or they can keep it pushing without me. 

I am a thinker.  Truth be told, I tend to overthink and I do it all the time.  I’ve always been this way.  I replay in my head things that happen to me, both good and bad, as if to analyze these things and maybe even recreate them in my mind.  Could I have done something differently?  Did that have to play out the way it did?  Did I do something wrong or something that may be perceived as not right?  Did that go as well as it could have?  What could I have done differently to make the outcome even better?  Again, there’s a lot that goes on in my head and it’s a constant thing. 

Some people (actually a fairly minute percentage really) don’t let me be.  I don’t mind being questioned about the way that I am.  I just don’t like it when people try to interrupt my process.  Let me think.  Let me do my overthinking.  Let me feel things.  Let me feel what I’m feeling without expecting that I’m going to tell you what I’m feeling.  You can assume what you want about me.  Just don’t get upset if I tell you that you’re wrong.  I figure that if you allow me to “be me”, then I have no choice but to allow you that same freedom and let you be you.  If you happen to be different than I am, I will not critique you, belittle you, or somehow make you feel inferior just because we happen to be so different from each other.  We can be different.  We don’t have to be mirror images of each other.  Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have a problem with those who are different than I am.  I might critique how people do things, but that doesn’t make these people bad.

We can be different and I’m okay with that.  I know that because I am the way I am, I might rub people the wrong way.  I might find myself in the midst of the occasional conflict or uncomfortably situation due to various reasons.  I may not be in the mood to discuss my feelings at that moment or even the following day, but as I tend to do, I’ll get over it in my own time.  The aftermath of my “getting over it” may not always be favorable, but I can’t please everyone all the time.  I can only worry about me.

I want to say that I’m willing to try and understand most people.  Sometimes people do dumb things.  Sometimes people do things that irritate me.  Sometimes I don’t want to be like other people.  Sometimes, things aren’t always predictable though and we’re left to roll with the punches.

My friends and associates don’t have to mimic me or be anything like me.  They just need to be themselves.  There are two phrases that come to mind in an occasion such as this one.

Birds of a feather flock together.

Opposites attract. 

Take your pick.  To some degree, they’re both true. 

You can be hard to deal with.  You can be needlessly complex.  You can be difficult.  You can be standoffish.  You can dislike people.  Whatever your flaw or flaws might be, though as long as you’re being yourself, I can make the choice to deal with you and tolerate everything that you bring with you (maybe with minimal complaint every now and then).  If I don’t like what I see, then I can move on and not rock with you.  It’s that simple. 

So, in the end, whether you choose to be in my world, that ball is in your court.  You can try to understand me and ride with me, regardless of all the flaws and idiosyncrasies that you might see in me.  Then again, you can ignore me and just get the hell out of my way.  In the end, you can do whatever the hell you want to do.  I’m still going to be me.  I have no choice.  I can’t be anyone else and frankly, why would I want to be?  I know that I definitely go against the grain and I don’t think I’d want it any other way. 

I’m not necessarily here for your fun, entertainment, or enjoyment.  You can frown upon and ridicule me because I’m different than you are.  Or, you can embrace the reality that I am different than most and roll with someone who lives their life perhaps a little differently than your average, perhaps extroverted, person does.   

Either way, I’m going to be all right.