Game Time

Odd to think, I started writing on OD close to 20 years ago.  It disappeared for awhile, but I also disappeared.

It’s funny to think what has changed.  My life has changed sure… but my personality hasn’t really.  I still struggle with addiction.  I have quit for years at a time, but then go back thinking that it will somehow be different, it never is. I had bouts of 2 1/2 years sober, 1 year sober, 10 months sober, 6 months sober, and a few 1-3 months.  I am on a dry spell right now, been sober about a month.  I feel good without substances, but at the same time I feel empty.  Almost like I just don’t quite fit in when sober.  I like myself when I am, but I don’t feel I really click with other people when sober.  I don’t know if I can explain it, it is just a feeling.

Beer.  LOVE IT.  HATE IT.  I love trying new beers, the process of drinking… the chillin’ with friends over a beer.  Problem is, I can’t do that.  If I do, it always ends up the same and I am drinking until there is either nothing more to drink, or I pass out.   I hide it quite well, as most of my “real” drinking happens when I am alone.  So most people think I don’t have a problem.  Whenever I have brought it up with people they almost don’t believe me, like I am just saying it cause I have a bad hangover from the previous night.  Little do they know I had been drinking for weeks straight every night.  I usually just get to a point where I say “fuck it, I can’t do this anymore.” I hate feeling sick to my stomach, always hurting, feeling like hell the next morning.

So what is the solution here?  The best I have been able to come up with is just avoid alcohol all together.  Problem with that is, I end up isolating myself in the process to avoid sticky/difficult situations and I end up becoming lonely.

Maybe I can try like an app or something that moderates your drinking.  Like I can only have X so much each week… but the odds are I will just blow through that quota in one sitting! LOL

I’ve thought about AA, but I really hate the god aspect.  I’m not religious at all, and that preachy shit really scratches me the wrong way. But I would really like to have people to talk to who understand where I am coming from.  Who understand that voice inside of you that goes off when it’s “game time”.