
15 years clean and without meth…
How is that even possible? How did we make it to today? Those first days. Those millions of relapses. I was sure I’d die in each one. I was positive I’d never make it out of “the game” alive. Not with any amount of my soul still intact. Not with any self esteem. Not worth…
Craving Numbness.
Today. Today I'm scrubbing my house like a crazy person. It gives an outlet for the anxiety. It keeps me busy. Pacing. Scrubbing. Trying to control my surroundings since I feel I really can't control anything else. I wish I could simply flip a switch. Change my mind set. Not feel how I fe...
Day 1 again
So it's back on day 1. I've been drinking non stop since my last time. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm over it. I need to do this. Day 1. Again.
Day 1 End
Well i did it. Its 9.11pm and I'm getting tired from a day of boredom and stress and making myself distracted every 2 seconds with horrible chores. My partner wanted to go out tonight... so I had to tell him that I'm trying to quit drinking and I dont feel comfortable going out because it'll…
Day 1 … Part 1
Its 11.16 and I've been up since 8am. First thought... coffee then beer. So I had my coffee. Then I had another coffee. Then i cleaned the house from top to bottom. I've literally done everything. And now its 11.16. And I'm sitting on the couch wondering what to do. I dont want to eat…
Its time
It's time to quit drinking. I'm 30 years old... and I've finally realised I have a problem. Actually i realized quite a while ago but never strong enough to address it. It's funny because I'm sitting in my car right now... drinking a 6 pack... telling myself it's time. Except I can't even put thi...
Serenity Prayer (short version)
Fuck it.
2005 vs 2018
Would I have believed in 2005 I'd be where I am today? Never. I made a Facebook post a few days ago. It was simple. The need to clean my house & be productive for the day. Seriously, it was dirty & needed to be done. My friend, N, replied with a to the point…
Overwhelming
Last night sleep did not want to come and I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking of everything I need to get done. First I need to shop for my daughters birthday which is the day before I leave. Second I need to clothes shop which I hate I just recently had to say goodbye to my…
How I got here PT 2
So I did not do much research on the place I was going to. I asked a few questions but not enough mostly because I didn't know what to ask. I had excellent insurance and I had met my out of pocket from all the hospital stays so I could have gone anywhere that took…