Kickin’ It at 3am

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. So very awake.

Only one day into this new bottle and I’m already taking more than I told myself I would.
Every day I say tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes.

So here I am, awake at 3am. A little worried about doing tomorrow with so little sleep. Worried about stupid things like the ideal time to take my meds if I want to have a decent day and night tomorrow and not be anxious and/or unmotivated. Worried about hypothetical problems, none of which would be an issue if I’d just said no to that extra hit of dopamine in the afternoon.

So I’m writing this as a chat-to-self; a reminder that this behaviour holds no value. Without Vyvanse, I’m happy. With Vyvanse, I’m conscientious. I have a feeling that if I just stuck to the correct dose for a couple of weeks, I could be both of these things on the same day.

I’ve struggled to kick this habit for me. Trent is my best motivation.

I always get the urge to take more in the afternoon when I feel active. I get pangs of motivation, anxiety and hope around how productive I can be that day, now that the day is already half-done.

Action Plan

Mid-afternoon cravings for Vyvanse mean that my body is craving more dopamine. That is normal. Replace compulsive re-dosing with another activity that stimulates dopamine, e.g. going for a run!

If, after three weeks of taking my meds as prescribed, it becomes clear that a top-up in the afternoon would improve my overall wellbeing, I’ll tell that to my psychiatrist.

I’ll aim to sleep at 8:30pm and to wake up at 5am each day. I’ll take my Vyvanse dose upon waking, then meditate until 6am.

I will try to do all of these things every day until Friday 9th Feb (just 7 days), at which point I’ll review.


Why I’m making the effort to take my meds as prescribed:

  • I owe it to T to do the best I can. That means being self-aware and taking responsibility for my behaviour. These two guidelines are very important in all aspects of life.
  • My abuse of Dex and Vyvanse has prevented me from sleeping countless times, given me terrible social anxiety, and ultimately just takes takes takes from me like I never knew anything could. It is truly a terrible and unfortunate thing.
  • Taking my meds as prescribed is much better for my long-term health
  • Taking more than my prescribed dose often leads to awkward social interactions because I constantly found myself half in a conversation, while my other half was thinking ‘Am I talking too much? Or saying weird things? Or too keen? Is she responding weirdly? Am I too keen?’ (That last one is the most common). If I use my meds as prescribed, this will not longer be a problem.
  • My sleep is far too important to mess with.
  • Vyvanse messes with my energy. When I’ve taken the correct dose (or less!), my energy is warm, strong and relaxed.
  • I don’t know if I’ve ever increased my productivity by taking more Vyvanse. Although I have more time to be productive, higher doses lead to more procrastination, unproductive hyper-focusing, and bad quality sleep.

MYTH: If I take more Vyvanse now (in the afternoon), I’ll be even more productive and will be satisfied with what I’ve done by EOD.
TRUTH: If I take a second dose of Vyvanse in the afternoon, I will become less productive, more anxious, and more susceptible to time-wasting compulsive behaviour.

MYTH: I’ll use the water titration method to measure out a half dose and leave the other half for another day.
TRUTH: I never leave the other half for another day. My body is craving dopamine so I’m going for a jog.

MYTH: I need more Vyvanse to get this done.
TRUTH: I need a jog and a good night’s sleep.

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March 26, 2024

Hey, any luck with your plan? I’m interested in hearing an update. I’ve been in this very same boat and it nearly cost my relationship. I used to think I could never live or stay off of meth without vyvanse, even now I still miss how well it worked for me. I took it as prescribed on weekdays and would double dose on Saturday, taking Sunday as a rest day where I don’t dose at all. That way all my days were accounted for and I would never be short. However, I got so comfortable with this routine that when I missed my refill appointment and had to go an entire month without it, I panicked and relapsed on meth because it was easy to get and gave me relatively the same results, just way more intense and way harder to hide. My boyfriend at the time saw this and made it an ultimatum that it was him or the vyvanse so here I am, 19 months sober from both hard drugs AND vyvanse.

sorry for the rambling, I know nobody asked for my story and input but if you can’t tell, this post hit home for me and I really, really miss vyvanse 😭