Let the dead bury the dead

It was much easier to write every day before OD was BLOCKED by my school’s servers.

I am back in a way. I disappeard for a time. Life changed. I have changed. I have been dealing with a rather odd new part of my existence – I am happy. But life changed nonetheless.

The Past

It started the first day of school this year, the day I found out the Richard tried to kill Wendie. Every thing I had known at that moment ceased to exist. There was no honor, there was no such thing as integrity and truth or justice. Everything I believed in became empty and hollow. But at the same time, a new life was slowly forming in the background, something I never expected or really thought was possible.

I have been living this new life for a few months, and I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I am truly happy.

The world I knew fell apart – I have proof of that old life here. Everything, all the entries related to it have their own section now, a past chapter of me life “Memories of the Past.” Richard and Robert, that life is gone. I tried so hard to be there for them, to do everything I could to get them out of the lives that they had. An abusive mother on drugs, a step-father dealing drugs, a father on drugs and paranoid-schizophrenic does not equate a happy childhood. I am not sure how it happened, but we became friends – and it was good for all of us at the time, and for a time.

Then things started to fall apart. All of our own past damages always came back, and I am probably the only one to admit that. I admit that I am weak at times, that I deal with a darkness inside of my head. But I deal with it, or tried to. I will admit when I am wrong, when I made mistakes. They however refuse to. They are always right, are perfect, never made mistakes. They broke every promise ever made to me, lied, and blamed me for it all.

That life fell apart – we all made decisions that we have to live with. I know that I can live with mine.

It started to fall apart over a year ago, before my accident last Thanksgiving even. But that was the moment when I knew the life I thought I had was dead and gone already, I just hadn’t known it.

Hell, it’s been making me crazy enough I did a tarot reading for myself this afternoon, and as always the cards beat me over the head with what I already knew. Basically, accept was was good from it – but it is past, and move on, dwelling in the past will do nothing.

I am done mourning that life. I’m letting it go. I have to before it poisons this new one. It is time to let the dead bury the dead.

The Present

This part I have actually been hesitant to write. For some reason, there seems to be a guilt in writing the phrase “I am happy because -” There should not be, and I know that. I wish I knew what I felt that guilt, I know part of it is knowing that I am happy with life, and quite a few of the people I care about are not. That shouldn’t make me feel guilty, but it does.

Why am I happy? All aspects of my life are in tune for the first time. My work life, family, and personal life are all going well and are working for once. Work is going really well, and I am pretty sure I am going to offered a permanent contract. My parents seem to have finally accepted me as an adult. And what has led to me truly being happy, I’ve met someone – we met shortly before school started and we’ve been together since the end of September I guess. It feels rather embarrassing to say, but we met on-line (myspace actually) randomly and just started talking, and something clicked. It wasn’t something either of us expected, it just sort of happened.

It’s a different life for me to come home and have little notes asking about my day and things in my e-mail to make me smile, or to spend my weekends with someone who honestly cares about me. This all some how feels so natural, like it fits – if that makes any sense.

I might have put off writing this a lot longer if it wasn’t for a week ago. On the anniversary of my accident I was emotionally broken. I am just fine with the crash, but the emotional aftermath is when I realized that everything had fallen apart. It was that day that I knew I really was alone, that everything I believed in was a lie. Having that day and the memories come back up, I was not okay.

Knowing this, I came home to my boyfriend (still odd to say that) and his puppy waiting with dinner. He stayed with me most of the evening to make sure I was okay and to let me know that I am not alone and won’t ever be so again.

While we were talking, he said those three words that every girl wants to hear – and that in me inspired a panic attack, and he still stayed through me spazing out; he let me deal with the darkness, explain it, and helped me through it – that in and of itself was a new experience.

I am well aware of my own madness, the darkness in my and the insanity that I can put others through – and he’s staying. For the first time, I honestly believe that. None of the old panic, the older fears that somehow I am going to screw everything up. For once, life seems like it going to go well, and stay that way.

So I am going to let the dead bury the dead, let go of the past and live in the present. It will be nice for a change.