I had this whole elaborate meaningful schpeel I wanted my first entry to have, but fuck it. Too much effort, not enough actual writing. Couldn’t remember my old OD name that I had since ’04. Mackerelsophist-something, or peachxchampagne, eh, close enough. I don’t remember where I was the last time I wrote which /may/ have been somewhere between 2010-12. But I had just graduated culinary, lost my v-card, fooled around with multiple people in various scenarios, discovered my sexuality, that kinda thing. I was 22 and spent most of my life tiptoeing til that point. Then I got sick and learned the life-is-short-do-it-all-asap lesson. I’m 29 now and just tried shrooms last month, so, it’s been a looong process, but it’s been an adventure that I’ve been lucky enough to continue, and if I continue attempting to get my shit together, it won’t be over anytime soon.
So. Now I have a busier life- I work 2 jobs, rent two places to live, have 2 kitties I adore, two steady groups of close friends, and a long-time, hard-won boyfriend of 5 years that I’m trying to keep while maintaining some space. Some partners don’t get that- they think once you’re a couple, you’re one person together and all decisions have to be made together. I am not of this opinion– I can’t even get to sleep in the same bed without difficulty. I made the mistake of moving in too soon because I was so in-lurv that I didn’t stop to consider my needs. 4 years later, my friends down the street offer a room and I thought, hell yeah! Well…I knew he wasn’t going to echo that sentiment. It’s been a difficult decision the past month, but the way I suffocate in this apartment with him, and him not wanting any visitors but also not wanting to go out, but also ignoring me, as well as other factors– I knew that even though mostly we are a perfect match, this one thing called living together is where we surely clash, and I decided to change that.
We did go through a hard time together, twice. Our second year, his dad who we took care of died abruptly from cancer. This and that happened with arguing about remains, settlements, family grudges, etc. Two years of depression followed. Then last year his mom had a heart attack and we had to wait and find out if she was brain dead. We held his mother’s hand as they pulled her off life support. We had a pastor come in and then we ‘pulled the plug’- which, I won’t go into detail of the whole event, but the actual pulling is the tube out of the throat. Yeah, like the whole ordeal wasn’t heart wrenching enough. That was in October. Happy moments have been far and few in between.
Now that I have my own space again, I’m much happier, and able to be emotionally supportive- which made me resentful while neglecting my own needs. I’m having so much fun picking out decorations, furniture, leaving housewarming gifts with one of my besties who also just moved in, so now there’s four of us in the house who work and party together- the HOUSE, 6 blocks from my bf’s apartment, and it has a yard, with a willow tree, and the house is not directly on the highway, so it’s much quieter, and I have my own CLEAN bathroom– shit, it’s been so much easier cleaning the apartment now that most of my stuff is at the house. And there’s still years of depression yet to clean here.
Anyway, I am immensely excited for all the changes. The BF isn’t down for the house thing–but I told him it’s gonna have to happen until he’s ready to leave and get a 2 bd together. I can’t support him physically and emotionally but have my own needs forgotten.
I’m finally tired!