I had shunned most adrenaline for quite some time, having been rick-rolled by Life often enough to figure the other me’s were getting tired of dying off because of our negligence. I found serenity in the peace of simplicity, and having a life purchased without the use of fucks given, I had a lot of fucks to give about that which I chose to give a fuck about. This is the only reason to ever not give a fuck: to give that fuck somewhere else, lest ye be a stingy fuck, and it is better to be generous, especially if the Lord wasn’t if you get my drift fellas!
But in the end, what is worth caring about? What to give a fuck about when all you have to give a fuck about is that which you choose to give a fuck about? For the 4th and maybe final quarter (I’m hoping for extra innings or at least a sudden death overtime) I decided to treat the music that moved me as a direct line from the Source to my Ears, the sound of which I could follow all the way Down into the Sink and find the deeper meaning there. I almost lost my balance many times, often tried to push off too fast and got stuck in the mud and feared to Drown. We don’t all float down here, that is a fucking lie, Brother. But the songs were Divine, indeed, if I listened to the One’s unplifiting, starting with the no-brainers like Cat Stevens and Neil Diamond, John Denver and Bob Marley. Soon, though, I could transform any decent piece of music to which I could dance (and I found I could Dance to anything, even my beating heart) into a full blown ecstatic worship, calling Down of the Moon or Sun Salutations, they were all made greater by the stacking of the music, the movement, the meditation and the marijuana. In this way, I came to heal myself, I believed.
It is easy to be objectively wrong about my own worth, I have found. I have been a piece of shit often in my life, and it has only been since I started forcing myself to grapple with what I THOUGHT was the worst of me did I find out that much of that wasn’t really my fault at all but HOLY SHIT I remembered this other stuff I did that now I had to process and was sure I was a condemned man by my actions. Hard to find another that will tell you the Truth about your flaws and strength; have to be a split personality to understand yourself if you are a monk. So this is what we did. We became our own 10th man.
We were harsh on ourselves, like a good auditor should be. We were harsh on our bodies, like a good Master should be. I am the Master of my Ship, but now I am landlocked. I still may practice, for it is ALL Practice. Others did not like the fire in our eyes, nor the steel in our veins. We did not care. We streamed Live to the Gods themselves in our Ecstasy, this small minded audience of Man meant nothing. We are not here for them. We are here for THIS. This Being. This Awareness, this Laughter, this Mirth. The Trap is thinking the Work is already done, or thinking the Work was not worth it.
Enter the redhaired girl up the hill. The ideal woman I had created in my mind as a child when I read George Harriet, colored her hair the color of Autumn, and added to her every aspect of Worth and Sexy I could think of to paint the Lady of my Dreams. Some things I didn’t even remember I had wanted until She reminded me. She read me Rumi by Candlelight just so that the photons could dance on her skin! Lucky Photons!
The harshness exists, but we can embrace the suck until such time as we can set it down. Stoicism got us here, but there is an advanced usage of Laughter and Love and Mirth for none of it matters except right Now and we are doing this so Good! It would have been worth it just to meet you, Dr. DoSoMuch, but what a Happy Sexy Time To Me!
You make it too easy for me to be your Man; it is appreciated but the Ferrari wishes to be driven, not merely ridden to work. We are the sports models, Dear, and we should get to the red line as often as possible! You rev my engine more than sugar in a whole bag of starbursts. I will give more than I can today, for I will get better to do just that. I will grow towards and into you, through your timeline and into your pasts and futures. If you want rid of me ever, rid yourself now before I claim you for all time.