Like a perfect Tetris board

Life feels like it is falling into place in the most symbiotic manner possible.

Today, a co-worker sent me a job ad for a position with another group that he knows the hiring manager for. See, he has said that I am far better than the position I have and that in our group I will stagnate due to people who refuse to retire and just the culture of where we are; men get promoted, women do not.

This will be a 100% remote position. I called my co-worker and thanked him so much. I mean, I don’t have the position, yet but this is exactly what I need. I need to be able to have a position that is far more conducive to being a single parent, which I will be soon enough.

While on the phone with him, I said the words aloud for the first time, the family is splitting up. And holy shit, I thought I was going to lose it.

I’ve only talked about it in text and emails; not verbally, out loud with anyone else.

However, saying it out loud made it real and afterward, I felt a relief and joy I have not felt in so very long.

So the new position, fully remote, an extreme pay increase. I could afford to buy BUY my own home for my kids and myself. There would be no disruption to moving into an apartment and renting again worrying that we’d have to leave the pets with their dad.

My youngest wants visitation with their dad but my oldest who has been severely hurt by their father does not. They have begged him to be an active and present father for years and a few weeks ago said they do not want to fight anymore because the effort would not be worth it. So, keeping the pets with the kids is key.

And, I can afford to move where I want to be and afford the travel for the kids back and forth to their dad’s.

Additionally, there would be almost no travel at all. That is a bummer because right now I’m in NYC for work. I’m in an actual 4-star hotel and I’m eating at some of the best but not outrageously priced restaurants in the city. I am learning amazing things and part of historic deals.

BUT, it’s fully remote and I can give my kids a happier life.

The egg shells that we are always walking on will no longer exist.

The weird thing is that I’m so excited for that I am almost crying.

I’m not crying to mourn my horrible marriage, I am crying in excitement for the fact that I can own my happiness and no one can decide to just come in and drop a bomb to start an argument and then mentally mind fuck my kids and me.

There is absolutely no going back at all. I’ve felt the weight that I’ve carried around for more than half of my life lift off of me and the feeling of being flooded with joy. Honestly, the last time I felt that was the moment my youngest was first placed in my arms, and the time before that was when my oldest was first placed in my arms.

I want to feel that joy forever and that will be as a single mom and damnit I am going to own it.