Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about starting a family.
I’m not sure if it’s because we’re both working from home and have more time to ourselves, and for each other, but I feel a lot closer to J these days. He’s now my husband, best friend and work buddy and we’re still not sick of the sight of each other. I’m also excited about the prospect of adding an extra member to our little family.
I’d always told myself that by my 30’s I’d have kids. Yet, here I am, nearly 32 and not a baby in sight. I keep thinking about what our children would look like, what we would call them and the places we’d take them. But, I’ve become such an expert at telling myself it’s not the right time, or that we’re not ready, that I can’t decide whether we should.
The covid pandemic has also made me put the breaks on. The world is a scary and different place to how it was 7 months ago and the situation is changing constantly. Should we really be considering bringing a child in to the world at such a troubled time? Is it irresponsible to try to get pregnant during a pandemic and put extra pressure on a struggling health service? Are these even things I should be thinking about when deciding to start a family? A decision, that usually, should be very personal, suddenly seems to have wider implications and whenever I try to work my way through it I just find myself falling down a rabbit hole full of doubt, and worry.
There’s also the added pressure of human biology, and time. I don’t have forever to wait. Even now, I could have problems trying to conceive, and the thought of putting it off until it’s too late makes me immensely sad.
We talked about it at length in March, at the start of lockdown, but everything was so stressful and uncertain that we decided to take it off the table until October, thinking life would be somewhat normal again. Now that’s only a month away and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.
I’m trying to focus on the here and now , but some days are harder than others.
Hopefully an early night should help me feel a bit better.