Him…

I’m fucking a 47 year old man…I’m in my mid-twenties. I can’t quite figure out anymore exactly why I’m fucking him, but it continues none the less. He is my neighbor, he lives across the street in this shitty little trailer park. He’s been here for 10 years and I don’t see him getting out any time soon. I’m not quite sure why I’m fucking him…it’s been going on for almost a year now.

The neighbor helped me break up with my boyfriend and clean up the mess that he left behind, physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. Everything was trashed and he helped me fix it. In that process, we started…but I didn’t want a relationship with him, I wasn’t ready for that, not by a long shot, and he knew this. I loved the boy I broke up with dearly and it shattered me to do that to him. I was not ready to go into another serious, committed relationship, one that talked about marriage and children and a family and a house and blah blah blah. So not happening…

He knew that going into this. I told him that so many times. I don’t want anything serious, I’m not going to marry you or have children with you or buy a house, it’s just not happening…We both knew this was a temporary thing.

But he has gone and fallen head over heels for me. Of course he has, I’m a 26 year old life support system for a cunt. I’m young, free pussy on tap any time of the day, right next door, practically in your own back yard.  And he wants it all day…once, twice, three times a day isn’t enough for him, not nearly enough. He needs 6, 7, 8, 10, 12 to be happy…and even then, I don’t think he’d be completely satisfied. I’ve spent days in bed with him just fucking and talking and more fucking, followed by more fucking, and then the next day I ask for some space, some time to myself, some time to spend with my books and my guitar and my friends, time away from him because he’s been here fucking me for the last 6 days…

The world tears apart. I’m rejecting him, I’m neglecting him, I don’t love him, I’m not spending enough time with him, I don’t want him around, I don’t like him, I don’t want to spend any time with him, All I ever want him to do is leave, I’m a cold-hearted bitch who keeps pushing away the one person who was there to help me out when I really needed someone.

It’s gotten old…really quickly. I’m tired of laying in bed, I’m tired of fighting hands off my skin, I’m tired of being stripped of my clothes and shoved down into a mattress, I’m tired of being rubbed and nibbled and bitten and sucked on. But if we’re not fucking, or at least laying in bed naked, or out in the woods walking the dogs, we’re not spending quality time together, so says him. I’m always distracted by the movie or the music or the book or the computer or the ceiling or the whatever, I’m not completely focused on him. He does not have my complete, full and utter attention. Simply put, I’m ignoring him.

I want out…I can’t do this anymore, this constant attention, this constant argument over whether or not I love him enough. Obviously I don’t. Obviously, I’m never going to. I’m going to continue to read my books and play on my computer and my guitar and see my friends and ‘ignore’ him. That’s never going to change. Therefore, he’s never going to be happy.

But how to get out? I can’t end it until I move, which could take up to six months or so…what the fuck do I do in the mean time? Stop fucking him? Constant drama in every direction, the whole fucking neighborhood will explode on me, it wouldn’t be the first time. He’ll become my enemy, my nemesis…I’ll always have to wonder what he wants to do for revenge, to hurt me because I hurt him. I’ll always be scared of his thoughts, plans, discussions and rumors….and there will be plenty…

So I keep fucking him, I suppose…I keep giving up my life and giving him the attention he constantly demands. I will put myself away and become his doll, a thing for his amusement and pleasure, because thats what he wants from me anyways. I think he’s finally accepted that I’m not going to marry him and have his children, I’m not going to live with him in his trailer forever, I’m getting the fuck out, I’m leaving. I think he’s finally beginning to deal with that and it makes him all the more possessive and jealous. He’s going to hang on as tightly as he can while he’s still got it, and he’s going to choke the life out of me while he does it.

I’ll always be grateful for the help that he gave me and the things that he’s done for me. I’ll always remember him, I’ll always think about him at times. But I have to get out…I’ll die if I don’t…And deep down, underneath everything, the darkness, the depression, the thoughts and visions of death and decay everywhere I go, underneath it all, my soul wants to live, and it wants to be beautiful..I just don’t know how to get it there..