First Thanksgiving alone

And I’m not really upset about it. Tho when Christmas comes I’ll be down visiting mom and sis. Already got my flights booked. This thanksgiving is the first one I’ve ever had to spend 100% alone. I got myself some turkey wings I plan to toss in my air fryer. I also plan to make green bean casserole, boxed Mac and cheese, and a package of Parker house rolls lol. It’s just me, I don’t need to go all out. It’ll be cool tho, I’m grateful to have the day off. I also plan to put my tree up tomorrow. Should be a day of fun. I plan to have dinner done around game time haha. So it should be cool. Friday I’m working an extra shift at my second job before heading to my main one. It’s gonna be a long day Lol. But on a good note, I will be getting a $2 raise next week. Yessss haha. Wasn’t expecting that and I am grateful for it.

On another note, I’m feeling much better today than I was in my last couple of entires. These ups and downs are a trip, but I’m getting through them. I hope to soon be able to get back to the happier me maybe one day I can start to trust again, when I’m ready to try to get myself back “out there” ya know. I’d like to start dating again, but I am petrified of it at the same time.

Lol so with that being said, I might as well share a little bit of events that have gone on. So there’s this guy at work I’ll call him AJ (same name as the guy I used to have feelings for that turned out to be married I’ll call him AM) who is I think 10 years younger than me. Since damn near the beginning of this year, AJ has shown great interest in me. I always thought he was annoying AF and too young for me lol. Tho at that time I thought he was a lot younger than he actually is lol. He never said anything to me until he found out I was planning to leave my guy. He overheard me talking to a coworker about trying to get away from my then bf and working on finding a new one (who at the time was the AM lol).

As time went on AJ would find reasons to come talk to me and kept saying how he had urges to hug me, but always refrained lol. I’m glad he didn’t because I was clearly not attracted to him and I would have been mad. He may have gotten his feelings hurt lol. I mean we’d hold convos here and there, but I never led him on. He still never gave up tho. He kept trying to invite himself over for dinner 😂. Well I tell you he was annoying AF, he really was. I’m not gonna lie tho, I was liking the attention. I didn’t say or do anything to make him think I was interested, but we’ve gotten to the point where I’d talk noise and I guess he liked that. He’d try to do the same. He’d still flirt, trying to do what most young guys did and poke a girl in her side playfully lol. I laugh because he really did not have any chance with me, but his efforts were entertaining, yet intriguing.

Over time I’d grown fond of him, not romantically though. More so, someone to look forward to talking to that’s fun to talk to like most of my coworkers lol. Tho lately I’d find myself thinking of him curious, but unwilling to budge lol. I guess I enjoy the fake banter and he makes it easy to do cause he just lets me talk shit and he’ll smile and laugh lol. He’s complimented me, called me beautiful, that it’s good to see me and all that. It’s all really sweet, but I don’t respond to it. Most of its fear, and some of it was his age, and the fact that he doesn’t seem great at money or cooking. And I know that seems superficial but man if I were to let him in, and things take off id have to teach him how to cook and how to manage money 🤣😂. He has a son in 4th grade, which is actually not an issue, just never seen a pic of him lol. He has (or had) a roommate that apparently hadn’t been paying rent so he was talking about finding a new place to live. Still don’t the results of that lol.

Well today when I came into work I saw him and he was standing on an order picker and I teased him about slacking, like I always do lol, and he just smiles and laughs while defending himself saying he was working  later on in the day I was coming back from break and he was coming into the break room to clock out for the day. As I open the door, he is standing there in the doorway and staring down at me. Because of where I was in the doorway, his chest was literally sitting against mine. I stared back at him waiting for to move and laughed when he didn’t. Instead of moving, he just goes in for a hug.  I wasn’t expecting that, so it caught me off guard.  I was like “ok” and to be nice hugged him back. Funny thing is, I low key wondered if he would try to right before he did. I guess he read my mind, and I’m guessing it made his day 🤣. It was nice, but short and not tight. I guess he was trying to be respectful, which he has been this whole time. I just didn’t want him

I have to say though, I’m starting to feel some type of way and it freaks me out. I don’t think I’m ready for anything yet. I’m curious, but highly refraining from doing anything about it. I don’t want to feel lol. He crosses my mind, and I go through the what if’s, but I just can’t bring myself to let my guard down. I’m so scared of being hurt and feeling vulnerable. So I don’t know what to do, but I do enjoy his company (even if I don’t admit it to my friends lol).  I just know a lot of people act nice at first until they get you. I don’t think AJ is like that, but the fear is still there. I won’t lead him on, but I don’t know how to handle what I am feeling. I don’t want to hurt him either lol. My walls are up pretty high lol. We’d just have to see….I guess. I don’t want this just  yet, but at the same time I’d like to get out there again. It’s so complicated lol


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