I’m the ultimate fool

What is wrong with me?  This has been the main question drilling through my mind ever since I was a kid.  I’m a 24 soon to be 25 year old man and I’ve always felt like a failure, I feel as though I should just kill myself because I’ve never been good at anything really, sure I’m decent at art but I’ll never make it. Besides what’s the point, Ever since I was a kid I knew it was very risky to get into the art field but unfortunately this is the only thing I care about, art whether it be a picture, a comic book, a movie or a video game is the only thing that gives my life meaning, it’s the only thing I want to do but it’s very risky to get involved in that field.  I hate myself for not being a good son that can just go to school, pay attention and get the degree that will make me a good amount of money and make my family proud, Why did I have to be the rebel, why can’t I focus, why can’t I just confirm. I cant think, my mind is constantly all over the place and it’s been that way since I was a kid, but oddly enough one thought has stayed with me from childhood all the way to now and that thought was that I cannot imagine life past the age of 25.  Now out of pure frustration and self hatred I’ve now gone and done something stupid, I quit my job now of all times during a pandemic,  all because I can’t figure this shit out.  Why did I have to be me, why cant I just get my shit together, why cant I figure out my path and be a responsible adult, I dont know what to do.  The only thing that has been on my mind in recent years is a final ultimatum. If by the age of 30 If I do not come any closer to figuring this all out then I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do to myself, because I refuse to become another freeloading man child that constantly has to depend on and still lives with his parents, I just can not allow it. People around me think I’m some naive kid because I’m quiet and smile a lot but deep down I’m not naive, I’m constantly thinking and worried about the future, I just feel so lost, I just want the pain to stop, I want to run far away and never have to worry about this stuff ever again, but I have to figure this out, I have to find some way to fix this problem, to find my path so that I can finish school, I absolutely have to figure this out now or else I don’t know.

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June 17, 2020

Who in the hell told you all those lies?

You’re NOT a fool.

You definitely should NOT kill yourself. Ever.

You’re NOT “decent” at art, you’re damn good. There are no degrees in art – art is art, either you can do it or you can’t, and if you can, you are damned friggin’ good.

You are NOT a bad son just for refusing to be “normal” when it comes to your studies – that makes you UNIQUE.

May I suggest you check in with a doctor, to see if you have any kind of condition that might make your mind race like it does? Which, btw, indicates more of an artistic mindset usually, since you mention art. So it doesn’t mean that you’re abnormal, just that you need to handle it differently.

Don’t give yourself ultimatums if you’re going it alone. We need each other, you WILL be able to figure it out, but you might need some help, that’s all. Many of us do. Heaven knows I have – and believe me, help makes all the difference in the world  🙂

You are NOT alone.

June 17, 2020

@thenerve Thank you for the kind words, I may have to look into a doctor, but it’s going to be hard to tell my family that I e been going through this for so long, I dont want them to think I’m weak you know, but I will try

June 18, 2020

@t-c-xarukami – For starters, I don’t think your own family will see you as weak; maybe as hurt and in need of help, but that does NOT make you weak. A weak person is s/he who choses not to press on – THAT’s giving up, and THAT’s what makes you weak.  Now, IF any member of your family would think of you as weak, then it’s THEIR problem, not yours, and that’s not something you should give a rat’s ass about! You focus on YOU. What people think of others is just because they see themselves that way, so they can’t see out of their misery.  Remember: an outward expression is the reflection of an inward impression.

June 23, 2020

First of all, you do NOT have to have your shit together by 25. The years between 24-36 are the years you find yourself as an adult and figure all that out. Having it “together” by 25 is a pipe dream. It’s all lies.

Secondly, I know that it’s rough not doing what your parents / mentors / community want you to do… But it’s *your* life, not theirs. If art is your passion, keep practicing it amd doing it until you make it. Will there be a struggle ? Yes. But that will make you stronger.