I Didn’t Realize …

how broken I feel inside still after three years since D passed, until after the bar-b-q with the kids on Tuesday.  I honoured his memory, like everyone seems to, on FB, and surprisingly sharing on social media did actually help in a certain way.  I’m not alone, and I could feel my friends surround me with a great big old group hug …. sigh …. and then life continues, as it always does, without him beside me.  I walked into the house with my cat and sat on the couch, and was completely emotionally spent, even though no tears were shed at the bar-b-q, no memories revisited … we all knew why we came together as a family to eat steak and potatoes, and we had a really good time … yet D wasn’t even mentioned.  I have to understand that what I want and what I get can be two totally different things Lol … also, I know my kids are healing, just as I am, and everyone grieves and heals in their own unique way.  As a mother, I want to take the pain away from my children … put a bandaid on the boo boo and kiss it all better … but that don’t cut it with this … and I guess I feel helpless which I don’t do well with, because I Always help others feel better … that’s just what I do … somehow I always know what needs to be said … or not said …

The last few weeks have been pretty darn good, with an underlying theme of the impending May 1. Memories of my life with D would flutter up like butterflies, tickling and making me giggle. I started a new story and storyboard and started inking it out; I painted a bodymap which is kick ass amazing; I am in the process of re-arranging my hosue to make room for K and T to move in for the summer – but it’s actually turning out to be a very personal and spiritual re-arranging; I started to focus again on my eating habits and exercise regime – which has fallen by the wayside this week;) I spent time recovering broken sexual bits that have been in pieces for decades – hello little girl inside who is finding her voice; I even booked a flight to NY this summer to meet R again …. my life, doing things that light me up … sigh … I truly thought the pain and emptiness were gone. Looking back though, I was caught up in doing everything I could to avoid thinking And more specifically, talking about May 1 until it was right on top of me.  What more could I have done to prevent this emotional setback …. hmmmmmmmm is it even a setback?? Or perhaps, just part of processing human experiences … progress, not perfection:)

I usually give my Self 24 hours to get my head out of my ass, and today it will be 72 hours.  Maybe I need to relax my rules abit for this one.