Rather than climb …

… the mountain in front of me, because that’s just downright exhausting, I’m going to charter a helicopter, and maybe there will be a handsome pilot who will take me away, put me on a pedestal, and paint my toenails … hahahahah how’s that for a daydream?? or hell, why not a storyline??? hmmmmm … NTS

My shift at work changes as of Monday.  Only by half-an-hour, but damn it knocked me sideways abit when I was told that Jason is now the Service Manager, and while he ‘trusts’ me, he wants to be the one to open the service department in the morning, and he’ll work until 5:30 if needed … and then he threw in, “if that’s okay with you?” … wtf does that mean?? And he repeated it several times, so I said “Actually Jason, it isn’t okay with me, so what can you do about it?” hahahahah omg his smile disappeared and his neck turned red …. Don’t fuck with me with your passive aggressive talk!  The shift change isn’t a big deal … it gives me more time when my creative energy is highest and with summer coming it’ll be wonderful to have 30 more minutes in the morning.  How they told me however, felt like a slap and last night I was grumpy and emotional.  They Don’t trust me to open the shop even though I Am fully capable, and in a certain regard I give them reason not to ….. I drift in my job …. not fully present ……  I can give reasons, and point my finger, but no matter how hard I try to focus and be the best at my job I can be, I’m not into it and it shows …. so I coast …. not that focusing would change anything about my shift.  I guess I feel less than, and it’s not anyone’s fault except my own … and I don’t care about my job enough to do anything about it.

I have plans for ME, and they don’t include where I am working right now … feeling less than though, that hits deep, and pretty sure it’s because of where I’m at in counselling.  I am scratching open some sore spots that are infected from a lifetime of neglect.