I just started a grad program and on my personal profile they had me state which pronouns I prefer to use. I have such mixed feelings about this.


  • I feel empathy for individuals that have identity differences because I’m sure it’s not easy to feel like you’re in the wrong body
  • I know that issues of sexual orientation and gender identity are not easy for the general public to understand or easy for one to explain
  • I can’t imagine what it would be like to be part of such a small percentage of individuals that often feel unseen and unheard
  • Identify is important

-on the other hand

  • I don’t know why transgender and/or non-binary individuals have decided that their feelings are more important than anyone else’s
  • I don’t think its that difficult for such a individual to just let those that they interact with know what they prefer to be called. It doesn’t seem any different than someone named Elizabeth letting people know that she prefers to be called Beth. She may hate being called Elizabeth and hate correcting people, but it’s life and reasonable to assume that someone might not know her personal preferences, especially someone that is not close to you personally.
  • now extra money is being spent everywhere for things like bathrooms and policy changes. I’m sure someone was paid to update my student account so that I can now state my preferred pronouns. I just personally feel that money could be spent on life and death things or things that effect everyone and not just the few.
  • anyone that matters in your life (friends, family, co-workers) will most likely know you well enough to know your identify preferences.
  • based on my research, less than 1% of the U.S. is transgender or intersex, I’m sorry but it just seems sad to me that the entire world has to revolve around the “feelings” of 1% of the people. (feelings are important, but they are personal, and its unrealistic to think everyone cares about your feelings and should cater to them)
  • I also feel that if you’re having a identity issue/ difference/ concern I’m not sure any amount of love, acceptance, or care from outsiders will help you unless you learn to love yourself, and if you truly love yourself, then you wouldn’t be that bothered by someone calling you the wrong pronoun because your identify would not be in your name,  your title, your sexual preferences, or your pronouns,  it would be established by your character.
  • A logical, intelligent individual would realize that %99 of the population uses binary pronouns, so yes, they will likely apply those to you. If you’re confident and self assured, you should either not be offended by this (because its a reasonable assumption) or should be comfortable enough with yourself that you can kindly remind others of your preferences.  If you can do neither of those things, I refer back to my previous point that self love is the root of the issue.
  • Everyone needs love and acceptance, but they do not need everyone’s love and acceptance (this is unobtainable and unrealistic if not impossible)
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January 29, 2022

I will respect someone’s request to use specific pronouns relevant to said individual(s).  However, I sure hope they don’t expect me to remember.  I barely remember names.  Switching up my grammar game is scary.  And why do I feel like I’m back in middle school?  Is this some passive aggressive method of bullying?

January 29, 2022

@wrecktangle sorry if I sounded passive aggressive, the frustration stems from the fact that there are no real solutions. Either the many cater to the few or  the few cater to the many. It’s a personal moral and ethical dilemma, and impossible to answer. There is no way that everyone is happy. Someone pays a price, either literal or figurative. If we changed all the pronouns it would create chaos and confusion, but we also can’t ignore those that are different than the norm. So it’s a frustrating impasse.

January 29, 2022

@theheartspeaks – I didn’t think you were being passive/aggressive.  I just felt the entire pronoun issue for some individuals has become a passive/aggressive form of bullying.  I don’t care how people want to be identified.  I just hope I can remember the next time I see them/her/him/it/we……….

January 29, 2022

My third child identifies as non-binary. I really like that the world is changing to be more accepting. I look forward to a time when nobody will think twice about it. That nobody questions that everyone belongs.  It is huge to people who don’t feel as if they belong anywhere.

January 29, 2022

@catholicchristian yes, its huge to people who feel they don’t belong anywhere. That’s why is so difficult. No one really knows what to do to make things better. As I said above, there will be a cost everyone because there’s no way to please everyone. but personally I believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. So either we are born as the gender God wanted us to be or maybe God intended for some to be different and unique and not fit into a category and that is where they are meant to be. So I believe that non heteronormative people do have a place, maybe they are meant to movers and shakers and provokers, otherwise how would we grow. There may only be 1% or less of them, but they are changing the world and that is undeniable.

January 29, 2022

The parallels I see behind your words are : Well, only a small percentage of people use wheelchairs, so why do sidewalks need ramps? Why do public bathrooms need bigger stalls? It’s all costing public money, and public money comes from my taxes, so why do *I* have to pay for all this? Only a small percentage of people are blind, so why do we need talking lights at crosswalks? Why do *I* have to pay for that? I’m not blind. I’m empathetic for people in wheelchairs and who are blind, but…

It’s really not that different. And if you were truly empathetic, this wouldn’t be an issue to you at all. I know I sound judgy as hell, but the attitudes expressed in your post echo back through time, to all the groups who have had to fight to be included.


January 29, 2022

@thewatcher well we’re not talking about the same thing. your examples have to do with needs. Blind people need assistance to function, as do people in wheelchairs, so of course there’s no issue with meeting those needs; they could mean life or death for someone. Making sure every knows how a person is identifies is not a need or a life and death situation, it’s all about protecting someone’s feelings, which is also important, but not a necessity. And if you read my responses to the other comments you would see that my conundrum is because of my empathy. I feel for all parties, and it challenging because there is no such thing as fair when it comes to life. We all have to compromise, which doesn’t almost mean fair. Sometimes the reward and/or cost is greater for one party than another. That’s frustrating. I want everyone to be happy, but its not always convenient for me to adjust to someone’s feelings when I feel like there are more important, life or death, things to worry about, spend money on, etc. It comes down to values. We don’t all value the same things, which makes it a problem when deciding how to spend our time and money.

January 30, 2022

I totally get what you mean. As someone who has always been 100% sure about my gender – I don;t feel the need to state my pronouns because it is stating the obvious. I don’t need to overthink it.


I do get that times are changing and there is a lot more open mindedness and acceptance. For those who are transgender or non-binary etc, if using pronouns is important to them – then they should use it.

But I personally am not into the pronoun thing because I just don’t relate to the same issues in re-defining my gender identity. I’m a woman, always have been and that’s it.