Too many thoughts

I feel like it’s a good thing to keep writing a diary… 1.  so I can document my life for some reason and 2, so I can get rid of all the thoughts in my head.  Lately I feel plagued with thoughts, more than usual, negative ones, existential ones, confused ones, positive ones, it’s too much though.  I wonder if any one elses’ head gets as messy and full on as mine, I just wish it would stop.  I’ve been thinking about death a lot, but not in a way where I want to die, just more like thinking about what happens when you do and what is the meaning of life…  This week I had some big change, I resigned from my full time job which I’ve hated for the last year and I do definitely feel more myself already.  It was really affecting my confidence and how I felt about myself, feeling unappreciated everyday and working for a brand I frankly didn’t give a fk about.  I got glandular fever this year and have had all these problems with my tooth and I think it’s honestly because I”ve been so unhappy and stressed.  I managed to line up some work in the near future and I think I will be ok going back to freelance work again.  I feel like its the right thing.  The thing is, I don’t even know if I want to be a photographer anymore, I end up feeling like a slave so much… Not in all situations, but in some and I really started to hate that.  Plus, there are just so many things I want to do and always wanted to do.  I love interviewing people, I love making people feel validated by sharing their story or taking their picture… I always wanted to direct a film, I’m good at editing videos (and kind of ok at shooting them, good enough).  I thought I should just try and sell prints at one point, I wanted to start a blog.  I’ve been learning to dj.  I find it hard to focus on one thing because I have so many ideas.  I figure that working freelance I’ll have more time to figure it out.  I feel like I should start a content creation company, but I don’t think I really want to do that.  I’m good at branding and art direction.  I find it really hard to commit to one thing and I don’t know why.  Then I hate myself for having such first world priveledged problems when there is a war happening right now.  My mind should just be grateful and shut the fk up.  I read from Louise Hay that gum problems and teeth problems stem from indecision… I think she’s right.  I’m going into my last 4 weeks at my job now and hopefully I figure it out soon enough.  I spent so much time during covid trying ot figure out what to do with my life, it’s part of the reason I took that job anyway… I thought, at least I’m making money while I figure it out.  I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure myself and my life out.   I had a very unusual and confusing childhood and I’m sure it’s because of that… I just feel perpetually confused about everything.  I find it hard to trust anything in life.  No one would know that from the outside, I seem well adjusted I think.  I think.  When you’re moderately attractive and look like things are ‘well’, on the outside, people don’t think for a minute you might have a world of chaos going on inside.  I used to have some friends who I would talk to about all this stuff everyday, but we’ve fallen out since covid.  I’ve had a lot of friendships with people that I realised weren’t genuine… I was probably flakey and introverted and put people off, people were flakey to me and it put me off… I just realised I didn’t actually have much in common with who I thought were my friends…  I like having the time to myself and also, since doing this full time job this past year, I didn’t have the energy really to hang out on the weekend and didn’t want to.  After spending time with my partner and then also, getting enough ‘wind down’, alone time to myself, there just wasn’t any time left.  Since covid, I’ve really enjoyed my introvert time and seriously need it.  Tomorrow morning I’m going to meditate… try to slow this brain down…. I’m hoping if I can do that and do some affirmations, my tooth thing just might clear up.  I feel like a lot of stuff has come to the surface to clear out now, which is funny because I had to get this bad tooth pulled out.  The bad tooth became bad 10 or so years ago when I was going through some intense family trauma and now I feel like it’s time to let it go… all of this confusion and existentialism….it’s time to let it go.  I just don’t know what the alternative way of being is?  Can someone tell me how to not be like that please.  PS I saw the movie The Worst Person in the World today, by Joachim Trier.  I love seeing movies by myself, my partner was the football with his friends.  I didn’t realise it was by Joachim Trier, his movie Reprise is one of my favourites of all time so when I saw his name in the credits I was so happy.  It was so strange though, it was like he read my last few years.  My previous partner was 15yrs older than me, after we broke up, he got cancer and then passed away.  Unlike the movie, we couldn’t be properly in touch though, he thought it was my fault he had cancer and was really angry at me for breaking up with him until he passed, so I couldn’t be there for him as a friend.  It was a really confusing and awful time.  I feel like just before he passed though, he came to me in spirit and we resolved everything.  It was a really full on experience, maybe I’ll write about that another time.  Anyway, the movie was so like me.  She doesn’t want to have kids (like me) and also, can’t figure her life out, then becomes a photographer (I’m a photographer).  I tried to work out what the moral of the story is so maybe it could help me figure out the moral of my life, because it seemed so similar in a way.  I thought it would give me some answers.  I’m usually good at dissecting movies, but I couldn’t come across a strong message apart from something cliche like ‘just be yourself’.  I think to be honest, the message is to ‘love yourself’, or ‘realise how wonderful you are’, and life will work out.  Maybe that’s the answer to my dilemma after all.

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