True Story

I can’t smoke any more cigarettes because my chest hurts and now i don’t know what to do. I need to use the bathroom and i can’t get up because it’s too cold outside of my bed.  I guess this is what they call a rock in a hard place.  Or something like that.  I don’t know who to trust anymore, where to go anymore, or what life is anymore.  I guess this is my starting point and if it’s a low one, the only way is up. Is it?

 

No one ever tells you that life won’t make sense, or that one day, you’ll be walking down a street you don’t even like wondering how on earth you came to be here.  And that no street  at all could really make you happy because you just don’t know what you’re looking for.   What would make a nice street?  I don’t know.  Picket fence?  Nah.  graffiti old houses like in that beyonce video?  Nah.  big buildings?  Nah.  LIttle coffee shops?  Maybe.  Shops just make me want to spend money.  No one ever tells you this and it’s really confusing.  

 

I know i’m looking for something… I know I left something behind.  I think a future part of me left a clue just around the corner here somewhere, or maybe around the next.  I know when I find it, everything will start to make sense and I’ll figure this all out.  If only I could find this stupid thing.  Hard to find something when you don’t even know what you’re looking for.

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June 4, 2021

That’s the thing though, isn’t it…?  We’re all looking for something and we rarely ever know what that Something ever is.  We’ll stumble along something that gives a clue at some points here and there, and it’ll be that jigsaw puzzle piece that’s both a happy find and a maddening one since it’s only one of a thousand-piece puzzle…so where the hell are the other 999?

It never works at our desired speed.  Never.  Maddingly never.  But when they do show up, it helps tremendously, even if it’s barely significant.

Call out to folks around here.  There’s a lot of insight hiding out in the corner shadows.

June 5, 2021

@tigerhawk thankyou, might just do that

June 9, 2021

I get this. Also amazing is that its reoccuring. Just when youve figured it out, life lands you on a different street. The old street that you had designed no longer suits you and thus the journey begins again… Since I was a pre-teen (and Im now and old woman) I’ve had a reoccurring dream of being in a house, building or city and trying to find my way out… sometimes searching for an exit and other times being chased towards it. 😕 I sometimes think that the state of joyfully being present in the moment is the secret but Ive not learned how to stay in that zone.

…But for today sending you light