Easter negativity

Days off, finally.

But Easter is not easy now. Everyone celebrates with their family. Usually a family lunch, visiting family. Family, family, family. Everyone expects for me to have plans. Everyone talks about their family plans, traditions. I either avoid talking about it or just plainly lie.

I don’t have no where to go. Don’t have any family I could go to for lunch. People ask me am I cooking ham or painting eggs. For who?? Myself? Nope, why would I. So I lie, yeah, going to my brother’s, yeah, sisters. No I am going to my…. Whoever.

I don’t get it how people don’t get it.

Even the ones who know my story. Like. Why don’t people think before they say something. Why don’t I do it? For who? What’s the point? Living alone, 95% of my time being completely alone, by myself. Lately just stuck watching Netflix as I am sick, so don’t even want to do anything.. Even if I do something, I am alone anyways. I kind of think about people who commit suicide, I do get it. Later, everyone would be like, ohhh, she must have felt so sad, so alone and we didn’t know!? Seriously?! I wish I had guts, but I don’t, so, I’m stuck in this shitty life, alone. I need that meme, forever alone.

Since my birthday, in January, which everyone ignored me, again.. Since then. Not one message. Nothing. I don’t get it. I so wish I was ok with that. But I’m not. I feel like a total failure, all are living their lives, family, friends, and I’m just stuck in some void looking forward to the day I die. What kind of life is that?

And we painted eggs, my darling cooked the ham. I loved it. Spring, sun, few days off, flowers blooming, who wouldn’t love it. And now. I can’t even escape somewhere because I don’t have enough money. Yay, fun life. Enjoy life. Life is beautiful. Really?!

On top of everything, my stye had gotten worse so I have to go surgically remove it. I am sick and on top of it have an ear infection. So much for my decision to join a gym finally. Feels like God is enjoying when I suffer and laughs at me.

It is sunny, it is nice, but I am in my negative bubble hating the world. Yay!

Zee