You don’t have the life you want, you have the life that you focus on.
Something that Tony Robbins would say, more eloquently. It is easy to understand, like many of the things he teaches. But why do I have so much problem incorporating what he says? Everything seems so easy, simple, doable – everything makes sense. But then why, when it comes to doing the things that way, it is so hard to do? Almost impossible to act a certain way in the moment. Or even hard for me to remember I am doing something the wrong way. How do you consciously decide not to think of something that bothers you? How do you just stop being sad in a moment and forget you lost the one person in life who made it all worth it? How do you see your “better” future when you don’t believe in it without that person. How do you decide to “want” to live when you just don’t? When you don’t see anything good, how do you focus on good?
How do I switch my focus from having no friends, being alone, to being grateful for having friends? Or just switching this off that it bothers me and just focus on something else? What else when everything else is shit!?
Where focus goes, energy flows!
Quoting Tony again. It all comes back to those limiting beliefs. And body. And energy… If you fix your physical state, and your mental focus, you can have anything. That is the issue, I do t have the body for sure, and it is probably impacting my mental state too. I keep eating and eating, probably to fill that huge hole in me. But, if I am honest with me, that hole has been there since I can remember. And all of this has just made it even bigger and now it is immeasurable.
But interestingly enough, I wasn’t always fat. Huhh, how I don’t like that word. Big. I wasn’t always this big. But I kind of think it is because we were poor, so, more often than not I would go around just eating apples and I got used to it and I was fine. And I would spend most of my days out. I didn’t want to be at home for many reasons I don’t want to go into now. But I guess, that was the main reason I was skinny. And when I moved in with my then boyfriend, he was bigger, and started to take over his habits of watching TV and eating… I started to gain weight. At one point, going from comments like how I’m anorexic, to comments how I am a bit too big now. But, I’ve never lost the weight I gained since I started to live with him. And I still wonder. Was it because of the habits? Or money? Or happines? Or sadness? I was happy with him at the beginning. Later, it turned into this huge pain, trauma. I realised much later it wasn’t healthy at all. It was sort of aditction to his love, approval. I lost all my self-esteem, if I had it ever. I felt unworthy, horrible, unlovable. I lost a lot of weight when he broke up with me, mainly because I stopped eating. I was just crying for days. I embarrassed myself so many times trying to get him back. We were on/off at that period and it killed me. When we finally broke up for the last time, it took me few weeks to get my act together. Started exercising and this helped me feel better about myself. At first I was convinced I won’t find anyone like my ex, no one would love me, I am ugly, unlovable, stupid, and many more ugly words you can imagine. It took me 2 years 2 freaking tears to get over all my shit. And, finally started believing I am good and worthy of love. I started to eat healthy, exercise. And although I’ve never been as skinny, I looked and felt good in that period. I felt hot and sexy, got much confirmation on that. Interestingly, I still need a lot of outside proof I’m good enough. I finally got that feeling of, I a worthy the way I am, and deserving of love. When I said I will find a great guy, in time he will come, out loud, in 2 weeks he appeared in my life, by some strange circumstances, you have to believe in destiny. We were both single, looked great, skinnier for sure. Long story short, we have made ourselves bigger than ever when we were together. We were happy. Like. Properly, honestly, happy. We enjoyed life. We appreciated and enjoyed every waking moment. Every second with him was my happiest. And we loved food. A lot! So we got fat. Together. And, before our wedding we wanted to get in shape. And then all the shit and trauma happened, 3 months before our wedding and.. He died. In my arms. I died with him. Honestly I did. This shell of a person who walks this earth will never ever be anything remotely similar to what she was with him.
I am trying to live. I am trying to get better. Lose weight. Believe in happy life. It is hard. I gained even more weight I thought possible. I am ruined. By grief, constant sadness and this undying wish to be dead too. I wonder so much time why wouldn’t God, or Universe or whoever give this precious life to someone deserving. Because that for sure isn’t me. I don’t know how to appreciate life anymore. I don’t want it.
Off topic. So. I was happy. Happy and fat. I was sad. Sad and fat. The only two times when I was skinny, or skinner was when I was poor, so didn’t have money for food. Or happily single and poor. So. Do I need to be por again to be skinny? Because, asking me to be happy, considering everything seems impossible. At least now. Poor. I can be poor. In all sense I am. But I do have better food now than apples only. Ehhh.
I made a decision to join a gym, which I am still struggling to own. I am kind of afraid. Not sure of what. Been multiple times, know what to do as I had trainers, and programs. I know what works. But for some stupid reason the fear is still there. I still think someone will make fun of me. Or criticise what I’m doing. I don’t even know why I have this in my head because it never happened. So what the hell. Is it just an excuse of some sort?! I have a friend. She had a baby in Jan. She already lost all her baby weight and looks tons better than I ever did. I feel ashamed. I know 50 year old woman, or older women than me, who look amazing, and I, young ne, I look like bunch of shit. I never had good opinion on my look, even when I looked better, even when I felt sexy. Always something would happen that made me feel ugly even then. But now. Now it is undeniable how bad I look, how bit, fat I am. How I hate to be on any pictures. How I hate what I see in the mirror. So, shouldn’t this alone be enough to start doing something about it?
I just get in this sad, lonely, depressed personal and I stay there, don’t move and it is my own personal hell. I miss him so much it hurts and all I can do is cry. Cry over what I had and lost. Cry over never having the future we have planned. Crying over never being hugged by him. Never hearing his voice. Wondering will I ever fimd someone so great who will love me half as good as he did. I hate this life. So.
What you focus on, it grows!
So I’ll go for a ride and focus on the wind in my hair, good music and sunshine. Everything is better on a motorcycle.
Enjoy the weekend,