Stye in my eye

These things are soooo annoying and painful. I never knew. I never had it until now. I had Lasik surgery few months back and now all of a sudden I got this painful shit and it is killing me. Of course, this happens when I have to travel for work, and it is sometimes so painful I get a headache. I went to the doctor, because I wasn’t sure it is a stye, just to be on the safe side considering the surgery. So, now I know and it’s been a week and it doesn’t look like it is getting better. So yeah, fun!!

Anyways, yesterday was a “bad” day. I was lazy, lonely, went for my walk in the morning, got home completely soaked as it was raining. Talked to no one for the whole day so it kind of felt again like no one cares. Tried to do something useful, but didn’t help so I watched Netflix all day almost. I went down the rabbit hole of reading about how Tony Robbins is a fraud, scamer, fake… And it got me thinking. There are parts that are for sure a sales pitch, you would have to be stupid not to notice that. But, if you’re in that mental space of everything he says is shit and he is trying just to sell, of course you won’t see any good or any benefit. On the other hand, if you see him as a good and the only person who knows things, again, you’ll probably end up buying tons of shit you don’t really need, at least not now.  But if you take from. His stories, from his teachings the things you need. If some of these things make you do some drastic change for the better – why would that be so bad? He undoubtedly helped many people. I mean, he didn’t, they did that for themselves, so, why would you demonize someone who is making money of that? I still think there is a lot to be learned, and a lot of things Tony teaches makes sense completely. But like with everything else, we all need to have critical thinking and decide for ourselves what we’ll take on, what not. I’m not going to take Ice Baths every morning because that is not for me, and even Tony is not for sing stuff on people, he is clear on that. He encourages everyone to see and try for themselves and then make a decision. So, enough said. All this, UPW program and his audio books, made me change my perspective around different areas of my life. I will start going to the gym, change my relationship to people and myself, I don’t see that as bad. So, in the end, how you see this is completely on you, not Tony or some other famous persons you want to identify with. I guess it is all about taking responsibility for our own actions. Which mostly is easier said than done.

On another note, I had a dilemma today. It’s my friends birthday today. He’s my friend for more than 10 years now. I was struggling today: “Send him happy birthday text or no?!” my birthday was more than 2 months ago. I had a small circle of people and usually we would hang out for my birthday, go for drinks or something, nothing big, just so, after everything that happened not to be alone at least one day a year. They all said we will hang out, it will be great, I wont be alone. But, after my birthday, I got to see those same people less and less. I would always ask to hang out, getting no, getting rejected more and more. So we’ve come again to my birthday without seeing some people in months. I asked everyone will we hang out on Saturday for my birthday. Everyone said yes that they are free. Finally, at least one day a year to at least “feel” like I have friends.

Then the Saturday came. I asked everyone if we can meet at a club, there was a Bowie tribute concert and it was cool timing for my birthday. Suddenly, no one could make it. Some had “something else” planned, some were just busy, some said they were “not into listening Bowie”. So, out of 10 people, 2 showed up. One did show up, another was already there with some other friends. So, I was, to say the least bummed whole evening. In my head it was, it is my birthday, they won’t ignore me for just one day a year. But, I was wrong. So wrong. I felt terrible. I think that was the day I decided to stop trying. To stop engaging, calling, asking people out. Stop anything and everything. And as I said in the previous post, what changed? Absolutely nothing. No one even reached out afterwards. No one asked to hang out. No one asked to see me. Nothing! Not a text, nothing at all.

But. This one friend from the beginning. I care for him deeply. We’ve been through so much. Our past is very similar, he knows me more than others. Kindred spirits as they say. Or at least, by the looks of it, it is one sided.

He didn’t even say happy birthday to me. He didn’t reach out. He was the only one I texted after my birthday and got mad. Said that he could at least send a text. Said that I am done, not calling, texting anymore. That he has my number and if he wants to see me, he will have to call, that I just give up. Sent him that with a heart. And that was 2 months ago. Message was just “seen”. No reply. Nothing. Nothing at all!

Today is his birthday. I would always go out of my way to do something nice for him. Something no one ever did. Just to make him feel special. But today… I wasn’t even sure if I want to send him a text. After him completely ignoring my last message. Not showing up for one day a year for my birthday, not even texting happy birthday. Nothing.

I talked to my brother. Asked him what he thinks. Like most people, he is like, why do you care again. Why do you even think of those people? They are not your friends! But I can’t. I still care. It is painful to care. But I can’t change that. I can’t just ditch someone whom I’ve known for so many years. If I did that for every person who wronged me, I would truly be alone 24/7, 366 days. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but this hurts. And all those people will always have an excuse. Always. It is always me who is at fault. Always me who is asking to much, expecting too much. Wanting too much. Being too much. Even when I withdraw from the world, not reach out or talk to anyone, no one reaches out to me. And if I reach out again and ask what happened, I always get something like: “yeah, but you didn’t reach out too for months!”. So it is a never-ending circle which I don’t know how to break. Feel like a failure all over again.

People tell me, find new friends. Like that is easy being 39 year old now. Like people are just waiting for new friends. Going through such a terrible loss I really thought that people will be there for me. My people. I guess I actually never had “my people” to begin with. Just acquaintances. How could I be so wrong, so naïve. It is interesting, people say they value honesty, but when I tell people that this hurts me, they attack me and blame it on me and usually the relationship (I would say friendship, even though it probably isn’t) ends. So much for valuing honesty.

In the end. I did send a happy birthday text to my “friend”. He did reply with a thank you. And that is probably it. Should I consider him just another person who once I thought is my friend but isn’t anymore? Is that what my life will be from now on, not having friends, just people who I thought were my friends but they are just that, acquaintances?! I feel weird. Unworthy. Unlikable. But, working on that through my art, Tony Robbins, again focusing on things I love to do, so, who knows, maybe I’ll meet new people who actually consider me a friend.

Enjoy your Sunday,

Zee