Under the Influence

I had a personal victory last Friday.  I was really worried about this day.  My work was having an event, and work events ALWAYS have free drinks.  Put a Big Mac in front of an obese foodie, and they are going to eat it.  Put free beer in front of a problem drinker, they are going to get the itch.  I was STRUGGLING hard, it was so tempting.  My mind racing saying; “It’s just one, having one will feel great!” “No I can’t, you know how it ends up… it always ends up the same.”  It was the figurative,  angel on one shoulder, devil on the other.  Anyone who deals with this kind of issue in their life knows the addictive voice.  Anyway, I didn’t give in and I had a productive weekend because of it.  I know if I caved, I would have been super hungover on Saturday, feeling like hell, not doing anything, just wishing my life wasn’t a pile of shit.  I would then proceed to go buy more beer in order to kill the hangover and then the cycle would begin again… and continue to do so until I was fed up with being drunk everyday and essentially quitting cold turkey and going through 3 days of massive alcohol withdrawal.

I just wish I could get the idea out of my head that I am missing out.  I remember when I wasn’t drinking for a few years, I didn’t have those massive cravings and didn’t think I was missing out on something.  Really your not.  The mind is a very weird thing.  It’s almost like it rewires itself the longer you go without drinking.

“Once you know you can never go back, I gotta take it on the other side.” – RHCP – Otherside

So why do I love drinking?  I love the process of drinking.  I love how it triggers my emotions. Alcohol is a depressant… but is marketed like it is an upper.  In the short term, alcohol will make you feel “happy and more social” but in the long term, it will take you to a very dark place.  The feeling I love is when you start to get a buzz on and I just relate so much more emotionally to music than I would normally when sober.  I love that excited feeling I get when I start drinking.

I hate the withdrawal of alcohol.  So much in fact, I will just drink more to kill the feeling.  Not really a good thing to do, but it solves the problem short term.  I hate when I am drinking I feel “paralyzed”, I’ll explain what I mean by that.  When I get enough alcohol into me, I feel like I can’t do anything.  I can’t exit the house, because society would know I am intoxicated.  I can’t drive anywhere.  I can’t really play video games because my coordination is so much slower.  I can’t really do anything productive because I will not retain that information.  I just feel paralyzed.

I’m actually glad alcohol comes with hangovers.  I’m only saying this because I am not hungover right now. lol  It is a good thing because if there wasn’t any consequence of drinking so much, I would never stop drinking.  Seriously.  I would drink constantly.  Fuck, I drank every free moment I had when there are hangovers.   Just imagine how much I could step up the game if there weren’t hangovers.  So I PRAY (I’m not religious) big pharma never discovers a true cure to the hangover, it would be bad news.

Just another morning
With shaky hands, pounding head
I guess I did it again
Try to leave, but I can’t stand
Start to think that I’m better off dead
I’m sick of this condition
Your kiss is my addiction
I can tell you cast a spell that knows no moderation
It’s dangerous, the things we do

Under the influence, I got no defense
It might be criminal, but still I just can’t quit
Under the influence, I’ll take the consequence
Well if it’s poisonous, let it take my last breath
Elle King – Under the Influence

I’m on a good run here, I’m going to keep writing.

When I’m drinking on a regular basis, I literally feel dead inside, like just a shell of myself.  It’s really shitty and I hate the feeling.  I truly hate it.  After a few weeks of not drinking, I start to feel like a tulip poking out of the ground after the winter thaw, and it just keeps getting better and better from there.  Where I start to feel alive again, and want to take on the world.  It is almost a natural high, I just want to yell out “I feel FUCKING INCREDIBLE!!!”

Right now, I have that feeling.  I just feel GREAT.  Really great… Kinda like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty after he “wakes up”.

Music of the Moment:  Diana Krall
Today I feel:  At ease