Day…whatever

I thought we were on day three. But honestly can’t remember, I’m also so bad with technology I can’t find where the old posts are. I’m tragic in so many ways lol.

So the depression eased up a bit. Not completely, I can feel it’s easy to slip back. But I’m not in a very dark place at the moment.

These stages always happen. And I always mope around about cosmic soul then. I mean internally I always am but when the depression is dark, it feels like a hot knife cutting my limbs off one by one.

How can I feel so deeply about someone Ive never met. Is it weird that I think ‘i don’t even know what they smell like’ ‘i don’t even know what they taste like’

It’s hard not to dwell on a possible mistake I’ve made when the person im married to, won’t even look at me some days. Grunts at me for answers or says ‘stop questioning me’ am I that unlikeable! Am I that annoying that the person who asked to spend their life with me. Doesn’t even like me.

They didn’t believe me that our son had additional needs. It was so obvious. He ticked every single box and when I voiced my concern I got shouted at. We are not a team.

I am alone in this marriage. I am so alone.

I spend all day with my child who can’t talk. And then when I’m desperate for human contact. To tell all the little funny things that happened in the day, to talk about my worries. But he doesn’t want to hear it. I could go a whole day without speaking. Everyone jokes about how much I love to talk. I’m an extrovert but every day I am ignored. Every day no one talks to me a little bit of my chips away. Piece by piece.

You cant chip away at someone and expect them to remain whole.

Well now I feel all sad again. Well done me!

My child has been hurting himself as well. Hits himself in the head when he’s over stimulated, happy and I’m guessing sad. It’s a pretty new thing. If breaks my heart. I didn’t sign up for this. I HATE myself for thinking that. Because don’t get me wrong I love my child so fucking much. But it’s so hard, it’s so so hard.