Connection

Since I forgot what day I’m on (There’s a long gap between each entry) I’m just gonna start with random titles. Not that anyone reads these.

Things have been….weird. Thats the best way to describe it. The sudden want to talk to me, from cosmic soul. We message every day now. I mean dont get me wrong it’s me messaging every day. But I’m actually getting proper replies now.  I’ve even asked if im annoying them. I trust their honestly when they say no it’s all good. Trust me they’d tell me if I was pissing me them off.

I just don’t get why it suddenly changed. They haven’t found this diary so I honestly don’t know. They’ve been so open with me and I’ve been open with them. As open as I am with anyone because I’ve learnt to shut my feelings off, to bury them so deep that they won’t be found for 10000 years. Archeologist would be shocked when they carbon date it all.

When you’ve been told your too sensitive, and made to feel like your feelings aren’t valid but so many people. You start to hide them and make it very hard to be open with anyone.

I told cosmic soul I still love them, they said they still loved me to. They weren’t as over the top with it as I am. But who is. But it’s nice to know it’s not one sided you know? They work full time and have their own worries in life so I don’t like to put myself out there too much. Why would I cause them more stress? I love them. You don’t do that to people.

Money is so shit as well at the moment. That stress is constantly worrying me. I’m suppose to be saving up for a car and I’m nowhere near. I’m terrible with money, always have been. But I need a car so bad! I know I’d be so happy if I got one. I just shop when I’m sad to give myself a boost. And I’m always sad 😂

I saw in a local spiritualist church they have a medium evening. I’m not a Christian but I’m tempted to go. Maybe my Nan will come through and give me some guidance. I miss her so much. I was crying my eyes out the other day and asking for her.

I was alone so no one saw.

Sometimes I wish I was with her. I’m pretty sure she’s looking after my baby that died. Then I could be with them both. But id never leave my child that’s earth side. My love for them anchors me here.

I just wish all the pain would stop. Just for one day, just to be happy completely for one day.