I was raised by a single mom who worked 2 jobs my entire childhood. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my dad left us. I was the youngest of 3 kids, often left unsupervised or in the care of others who did not keep me safe. I was abused by various people throughout my first 20 years on this earth. I grew up always feeling as though I was not good enough, not worthy of love, and that I had done something wrong. A failing marriage set me on a path towards a solution. If you give me a problem, I will find a solution or die trying. I worked with several therapists over the course of about 5 years, but I met my match with Matthew. I lost all the power and control I had spent my life fighting for. I was sure my ex-husband was the problem; turns out I had the problem.
How I met Christ?
One day I was driving home from work; replaying pieces of conversations I have had with Matthew in our previous sessions. I remembered a comment he made to my husband at the time. “Let’s not create a self-fulfilling prophecy” (Thanks Yoda) I always have a little attitude when I speak to Matthew in my head. I asked myself that day if I had created my own self-fulfilling prophecy. I had already been baptized about a month prior to this moment, but it was in this car ride I threw my hands in the air and spoke aloud” I surrender God! I have no plans left, take it away.” I was in my late 30’s holding on to anger and resentment, unhappily married, infertile, we had $50K in credit card debt and I was the loneliest I had ever been. I used food, cigarettes and alcohol to cope with all my feelings. I was overweight and overwhelmed with all of life. Nothing magical happen that day but God moved mountains for me. I offered forgiveness to my husband for his mistakes and a month later I was pregnant after 9 years of infertility.
How has your life changed since coming to Christ?
Today I am still overweight and a bit overwhelmed, but God worked his magic. I am 3-year cigarette free and rarely drink alcohol. God asked me to sacrifice the one thing I had been holding on to that was keeping me from him: My marriage. Being married was proof to me and others that I was good enough and worthy of being loved. With tears in my eyes and the deepest sadness in my heart I asked my husband for a divorce. I left the life I had known for the nearly 20 years with zero plan for the future. Prior to the divorce we were able to get out of all credit card debt, we currently both have safe homes for our children, safe new cars and honestly a healthier relationship with each other than we have ever had. We both love Jesus and do our best to co parent our children. I will be starting a new job for a Christian based counseling agency and hopefully be able to share the impact God has had on my life. Most days I wake up happy to live and love and feeling worthy of love as a child of God. I still have my moments but don’t we all.