Recent Entries

• What they teach us.

  February 17, 2022

  The values held by my father were manipulation, lying, and inflicting pain on others. Never humility, generosity, resiliency, honesty, kindness, integrity. I had to learn these along the way after I was a teenager. My mother taught me love, determination, and how to be fiercely protective of thos...

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• Emerging?

  February 15, 2022

  Hm..... I seem to feel a little bit better. And by that I mean... everything is still there, but maybe I am starting to feel more integrated. Like I am experiencing the range of emotions rather than stifling most of them. My anxiety is still very high, but usually the depression feels as high as&...

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• When you’re so crazy, you scare yourself.

  February 6, 2022

  I have to keep trying to do the things that I love. I need to find my beads. I need to set up a craft area. I need to get a folding card table. These need to be priorities. Because I am loosing my damn mind. And I need something to do with my hands.…

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• Fighting Ghosts.. And a fuck to give.

  February 2, 2022

  I am looking for a fuck to give today. I see how tired my partner looks. Deep in his eyes, he's as tired as if he'd fought in three wars. His grandma who is like his mother is dying. He is in a crazy busy PhD program. And I am just loosing my shit over…

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• The longest year.

  February 2, 2022

  Everything hurts. Between a terrible UTI .. again .. and severe PTSD flash backs and constant triggers .. again .. it just feels like it never ends. I know that isn't true but it has just been such a long long year.. Time stretches on, and I'm tired. So tired. Something has to click soon.…

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• That old familiar feeling.

  February 1, 2022

  I guess we have to be able to name our feelings in order to be able to fully feel and process them. When you were never shown how to recognize and name feelings growing up, the journey to name them and let them out - rather than shove them down - feels next to impossible…

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• Blue.

  January 30, 2022

  My eyes carry the weight of my world. How tired I truly am. Heavy and blue. As if I have never slept. My chest carrier my fears. Bound with barbed wire. Wrapped so tight I dare not breathe. My stomach carries my poison.Wretched and disgusting. Overflowing when I catch a glimpse of my monster in&h...

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