The longest year.

Everything hurts. Between a terrible UTI .. again .. and severe PTSD flash backs and constant triggers .. again .. it just feels like it never ends. I know that isn’t true but it has just been such a long long year.. Time stretches on, and I’m tired. So tired. Something has to click soon. I finally got my health insurance worked out today and scheduled with a new PCP, but there are no new patient appointments until April.. 3 months away.. I have been in the ER 4 times in 2 months, two of them for a UTI. The ER can’t even give you a Urology referral. I had private insurance through jobs my entire adult life and this is my first time on Medicaid as an adult and there are such a significantly higher amount of barriers for medicaid verses private insurance – trying to navigate chronic illnesses and autoimmune crap feels like walking through quick sand. But it is the illnesses in my body and mind that put me in a position to even need medicaid. Such a sad cycle. I wish I had a different body and brain. One that could work full-time and show up consistently for daily life. So yep long story short… you just don’t get to see a doctor or specialists for months except the ER because urgent cares in the aren’t accepting *new* medicaid patients. And then they tell me that if I want to see a mental health therapist at my health clinic, I have to get a referral from my PCP.. so after April. That is way too far away to see a therapist. And all the Medicaid therapists seem to be associated with a health clinic so it feels like it will be impossible to see a therapist.. But I will keep searching for one outside of an integrated clinic that is accepting new patients, which is very limited for Medicaid. This whole system is so fucked. I feel hopeless and discouraged half the time. And I am sure my partner is sick of having to hear about me constantly being sick between my ongoing G.I. and digestion issues, Urological/Gyno issues, body pain, fatigue, and of course good ol’ anxiety, depression, bpd, and ptsd on top of all the physical health crap. And the stress and anxiety just trigger and activates more frequent autoimmune flares. It gets too much to hear my damn self. It’s like venting isn’t even enough anymore. I need a fucking therapist. New place, new doctors. I hate this part of moving. It’s been…… the longest fucking year ever. I moved twice this year. And this UTI fucking bites.. I am sick of constantly feeling some type of pain associated with my urinary/gyno system. Triggers my PTSD too. FUCK. My stomach is letting me eat for the most part today, but I have no appetite so I am just trying to get myself to eat something and drink water. Sometimes that’s all I got in me…                                         – Blue

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