Sunday 2/5/23

5:13a.m. I had pretty good night. The aides put me to bed at 9:30 last night. I slept well with no nightmares or pain. Best of all I didn’t pee the bed. Aide got me up at five. She cleaned me up and helped me in my wheelchair I could use a cup of coffee but I feel fairly awake. I hope I can stay awake  and read that darned book.

I’m still stuck on Chapter 10. I’d. listen to  a few pages then get sleepy. I would struggle to stay awake then fall asleep nly to wake up again. Meanwhile, the narrator’s words would not register. I’d start over a few times only to have the process of repeat itself.h  I just could not concentrate last night for being too tired. 

I’d hate to just give up on a book. I feel fairly awake now.imin a good mood si should be able to concentrate I’m going to read nlw and once more start from the beginning. 

10:50a.m. I did a lot of reading this morning. I had was able to stay awake and read until breakfast. I read for about an hour or more after I ate. Then I got sleepy again and fell asleep. I had some weird crossdressing dreams. I dreamt my dream mother wanted me to wear a bra because I had back problems. Then I was trying to figure out how to undress for gym because I was wearing women’s underwear.  This was,I repeat, only a dream.

Then I had a dream about this woman . She was one of my teachers in college. I had her for a couple classes. She was nice but tough. In the this one dream I was standing close to her. I started to kiss her She  did not resist. We ended up having sex in class. To bad this was only a dream. 

I was able to shave while awake. The nurse brought in shaving gear. I feel bette. My beard was getting heavy. I also did something I said I’d never do anything gain. I looked at her diary on pb. It don’t do that as much as I used too. Also, it really didn’t bother me. I’m really fast getting over the breakup 

It is getting close to supper. I having minestrone, chicken salad sandwich, coleslaw and a peach cobbler for desert. I can’t wait for my drinks .

1:00p.m. I had roast beef with gravy, potatoes, glazed carrots, a dinner roll, and carrot cake for lunch. The two cups of hot coffee hit the spot. I’m truly blessed. 

I’m enjoying my book From Colony to Superpower: United States Foreign Relations since 1776 by George C Herring. I’m finally able to stay awake and read. I’m halfway through Chapter 10. I’m at the section where the author is discussing foreign relations during WWI. I thought this was a very long but very interesting chapter. 

I’m feeling great today. I’m not wallowing in depression. I’m not sleeping 24 hrs. I’m getting good meals and decent care. I’m not experiencing arthritis pain. Best part is I’m able to concentrate on a very good history book. I guess this is as good as it gets.

I’m going back to my book. I hope to finish Chapter 10 and start on the next. 

6:08p.m. I was table to stay awake this afternoon and read. I got a good ways through Chapter Ten. I was reading about the Versatile Peace Treaty that ended World War I. I was having a good old time reading my book when Chocolatechip contacted me on Messenger. 

We chatted for about an hour mostly about her problems and frustration. She started out by saying that her secret crush was not interested in her. Then she went on a rant about how she haded my family for the way they treated her.She talked about the ongoing  harrasement in the form of late night door knocking. She said the Housing Authority is supposed to install cameras in the halls. Basically she talked about how miserable her life has been.

One thing I did was I posted something on Facebook saying “I am free and single.” Chocolatechip asked me if I wanted to be free why didn’t I just tell her? I said I was hiding very bad when I posted that. I also said I don’t want to be free and single I then went on saying how I don’t want to meat anyone else because I still love you.

Then she said goodbye. I don’t know what to make of this conversation. I’m truly sorry that “thing ” didn’t work out. I only wanted to see her happy. I kind of hope that we will be getting back together. Maybe not as a couple but at least friends.

We ended our conversation when they served supper. I had two tuna salad sandwiches, coleslaw, and soup. Talking-to Chocolatechip made me hungry and I ate all it all. 

This had been a good day. Any day I can stay awake and read is a good day. I hope I can pay my rent tomorrow. That should not be a problem because I have some money left over 

Going back to my book now. I hopejbto finish that darned chapter.

10:07p.m. I bought two more books this weekend. Today I bought Democratic Justice: Felix Frankfurter, the Supreme Court and the Making of the Liberal Establishment by Brad Snyder. Yesterday I bought Indivisible: Daniel Webster and the Birth of American Nationalism by Joel Richard Paul. This makes nine this month, seven ebooks and two audible books. I still have enough to pay the nursing home $583.00.

I did a lot of reading tonight. I finially finished reading Chapter 10. I read the first section of Chapter 11 Chapter 11 I read about the  I woke cost of WWI and how balance of economic power was shifting to the U.S. Then I got drowsy and fell asleep for awhile. I woke up thinking about Chocolatechip.

I think she just called to dump her frustrations and problems on me. That post I put on Facebook no doubt hurt her. But I was hurting very badly myself. Still, looking back. I should not of done it. By the same token I am thinking she should not be using me as a dumping ground for her frustrations and problems After all, she was the one who wanted a clean break. It’s not my fault her secret crush has no interest in her.

Still I cannot turn my back from her. I still love her and care about her. I always will I just cannot turn off my feelings after sixteen (not seventeen) years. I will never forget all the good times we shared and all the wonderful things she did for me. Chocolatechip is still the love of my life. 

But I will be surprised if I hear from her again. I was saw where she left a comment to my FB post. She said “Why didn’t you have the guts to tell me you want to leave?” I got the distinct impression she was  more than slightly pissed. 

I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride ever since this damned breakup I am just getting over it coming to terms that she is gone for good. Then she messages me again right out of the blue!bringing forth all kinds of emotions. She dumps me after all! He What would anyone expect me to do? My stupid post on FB was mild compared to some of the crap I have seen. Hell with it. I’m not going through the shit again.