A Sad Rainy Day

Tomorrow’s St. Patty’s Day. Even though I’m not Irish, I’m still going to wear mostly green. I’d do anything just to break up the monotony of this week. It rained today and my mood had been in kind of a funk because of it. I jinxed myself earlier by setting all of these goals and ended up only accomplishing very few on the list. Let me tell you about my day…
I went to the bank to deposit money. Suddenly, I realized that I don’t have that much money left. You see, I have my savings and then I have my spending money that use for miscellaneous things I want. Well my spending money is now down to less than $200. My studio time alone next week is over $300. That means, I will have to dip into my savings. My savings is strictly for rent and bills. This means, I will definitely have to get a job sooner than expected. I will have to start work by May. So, while I’m in LA, I will be applying for jobs in Houston.
I will most likely return to being a nanny. Being a nanny sucks. The moms treat me so horrible. They always force me to be outside all day and I’m allergic to trees and grass. Also, the sun is super damaging to my skin. And whenever I work a nanny job, I turn in Freddy Krueger. My skin turns so ugly because all of the cortisol my body produces. It’s either get a nanny job or work from home as a customer service rep. That job is even worse because I use my voice all day until I’m hoarse. And my voice is my instrument; I have to protect it.
Here I was in my last journal entry talking about how happy I was not to be working only to realize that my time is coming up!
The only job that will make me happy is working for a newborn. I love newborns. They don’t talk, they sleep all day, and there’s little to do for them. Of course I’m still exhausted by the end of the day, but it’s better than caring for any child over the age of two.
My mood shifted as soon as I began counting my money while at the bank. My mood matched the weather. Dreary, gloomy, and sad. I believe jobs are the reason why people are so miserable. Unless, you are doing what you love.
I hate to say it, but I know I’m not moving out the hood anytime soon. I know I have to be positive, but it’s the truth. I also drive a 2012 Chevrolet Cruze; it has plenty of dents. I don’t care but I do care at the same time. I’m 38; shouldn’t I have a new car and a house by now?
I’m going to not think of what I don’t have. I’m going to just focus on what I can control. I can control uploading a profile on Care.com or some nanny site. I can control doing my taxes in hope for a refund. I can control….oh fuck everything! I have to start working again. Fuck my entire life! I don’t want to start working again; it sucks the life out of me!
I just want to be successful doing what I love! When is it going to finally happen for me?
I better start looking for a job ASAP so I can begin work by May 1st. I’ll figure out something soon. I wanted to do another music video, continue vocal lessons, record songs, etc….

“Jesus, please take control of my situation. Please make a miracle happen. Please please please give me a peace that surpasses all understanding and a strength that is everlasting. Amen.”

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