Today I got Botox. I didn’t pay for it. Shervin did. It cost $98. The lady injecting me said that I needed much more.
“You have crows feet on the side of your eyes and raise your eyebrows, honey …see you also have wrinkles on the forehead. Honey, my daughter is only 17 years old and I inject her with Botox every 2-3 months. Even I, myself, need at least 24 units on each side. Honey, you need much more”, she said.
I asked her how much more it would cost. “For myself I do at least $600 worth”, she exclaimed.
I told her that I would just stick to 3 units per eye. I have no idea how much 3 units actually is, but she had one tiny needle filled with a tiny bit of fluid, and she proceeded to poke me six times total underneath the eyes. I later told my mom about the Botox and she said that lady just wanted more money.
After Botox, I went to my parents house. My nephew showed up around the same time. He’s a 19 year old kid whose been given everything he’s ever in wanted in life by my sister and brother-in-law. He barely says anything to me. In fact, he has this superior attitude and never shows any interest in getting to know me. I just think he’s confused because my sister has spoken negatively about me in his presence. I’m sure my nephew has been exposed to conversations about me in the past where it seems like both my siblings dislike me.
My brother and sister never liked me growing up. They are extremely close. In fact, they both had a son around the same time and lived under the same roof together for most of their lives. Pretty weird.
My parents always sensed this and so they were a bit more protective over me, which made them both hate me more. It’s a terrible feeling growing up always feeling like you are hated. I felt that with my siblings, then later in middle school, high school and college. It constantly gave me a complex as to what’s wrong with me?…
I griped to Keith about this earlier this evening. Keith is a man who is 52, and he is a truck driver. He’s also like the brother I never had. We can talk about almost anything. We had a break in our friendship recently. He was my “pretend” manager. He didn’t know exactly what he was doing but I’d tell him what to say to people when some men hated hearing me (a woman) give them directions/instructions.
When he got a 20 year old girlfriend after his wife left him for another man, he deserted me as a manager. He said he backed away because he didn’t know what he was doing as a manager. But he later revealed it was because he wasn’t making any money as my manager. I also believe he wanted to focus on his sex life with his new girlfriend. They have a “business” relationship but it has evolved now. In the beginning, he paid for her apartment, her new stripper pole, amongst other things in exchange for sex.
Well just yesterday, Keith came back into my life. You see, I recently met a rich guy named Reginald who is looking to invest in a new artist. I found Reginald off of Craigslist when I was going to post an ad for back up dancers. I ended up coming across an ad that Reginald’s secretary had put up on his behalf.
Long story short, I’m trying to coordinate a meeting between these two men. I would like Keith to find out if Reginald wants to invest in my career. And if he is, would he be willing to not have any rights to my songs but instead a percentage of the revenue I make from show performances.
I don’t even know if Reginald is still interested in me as an artist because I don’t hear from him anymore. But that’s why I want Keith and him to have a “man to man” discussion. Reginald is an alpha type who doesn’t like talking to women. Hopefully he won’t be another let down.
My mental is weary.
It hurts that my parents keep saying, we are praying for your breakthrough. It’s a positive saying but reminds me all time that I haven’t had the success I desire yet.
It also hurts that my siblings are just now being nice to me (38 years later) because I think they no longer feel threatened by me anymore. They think it’s over for me and they won. I live in the hood and drive an old car. They have houses and new cars and lots of money. But I don’t want their life; I never did. I have my own vision of life that looks nothing like theirs.
My brother once got drunk and said sarcastically, “Remember when mom and dad thought she was going to be successful…well look at her now!”
My sister once had a surprise birthday party, and I was not invited. In fact all of her friends hate me because my sister talks shit about me to them. Even my sisters husband used to always ask me why I was so short as an insult. I never understood why he thought it was okay to constantly put me down.
Some people don’t give a damn if they are liked or not. But not me, I instead want to analyze and understand why. I want to get to the root of the problem. What did I do wrong? Are my mannerisms not right? Did I say something? I want to correct the problem.
I understand now that sometimes people will just hate you for no reason and there’s nothing you can do about it. I personally think my sister was jealous of me when I came along ten years later. And I believe, she and my brother were so close that she may have convinced him to not like me either. Even to this day, my brother still does whatever my sister tells him. My sister always been super bossy and I never cared to be her follower. But sometimes I still wonder if I’m the problem.
Today, I reached out to the money hungry editor. I wanted him to edit my low budget music video for $200, but he said $300. He didn’t even review the project before quoting me more money. But everyone has their own rate, and I must respect it. It’s not his fault I’m broke at this time.
I’m in a crabby mood. My mom and I are starting a spiritual fast tomorrow where we only eat between 11am through 7pm. That means no more McGriddle value meals for 21 days. During the fast, we are supposed to be more mindful of what we eat and try incorporate God in everything we do through prayer.
I’m tired of praying and believing and living right. I rather be a heathen and smoke weed and steal from Walmart. Just kidding. But I am getting weary.
Tomorrow I have to answer the first question to my 8 day journey. Ironically the first question is the hardest to complete than all the rest.
Whose life I made easier from my presence…Like what does that mean? I don’t watch a child for anyone now or take care of anyone elderly. I don’t take anyone to their doctors appointment. My therapist said it could be past or present, however, I prefer to focus on the present. I’m not sure whose life I’ve making easier at this time in my life. Im going to change that soon. The last thing I want to be is selfish or self-absorbed.

“Jesus help me. Amen”

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