Eight Day Journey

I slept from 12am to 6am. When I woke up, I watched a girl on YouTube visit Japan. She has traveled to over 120 counties, and I think she’s about 25 years old (I’m not sure). Then I watched another one of my favorite YouTubers who is an influencer from the Philippines. She travels often to Paris to sit front row at fashion shows and often wear couture clothing, with her hairstylist/makeup artist & videographer/photographer/assistant, always by her side. Both women travel the world, but in their own way.
I treated myself to another McGriddle value meal this morning. I enjoyed every morsel like it was the first time. While sitting in the drive thru, I thought about canceling my 9:30am therapy meeting. I was going to press the cancel button on the website but something told me not to.
I have two therapists. One is the Puerto Rican dog kisser and the other is a “no muss no fuss” black woman. I like her a lot because she may not say much, but when she does, it’s very matter of fact.
I came to my virtual meeting with three things I wanted to work on with her: confidence, finding a new job, and accountability. She encouraged me to find a newborn nanny job. She also said she would check in with me to see if I am accomplishing goals off my list every two weeks. She mentioned to list everything according to importance. Her task for me today was to fill out for TRR. I have three appointments today, but I will try my best to get that task done.
As far as confidence, she gave me an eight day assignment. Let me share it with you:

Day 1: list 3 people whose lives I’ve made easier because of my presence
Day 2: list 3 achievements I’m proud of
Day 3: list 10 strengths & talents I possess
Day 4: list 3 compliments that make me feel good
Day 5: Ask a friend or loved one 3 strengths I have
Day 6: compliment someone else
Day 7: spend the entire day to myself doing something I love without thinking about anything else
Day 8: write down your ideal life in past tense. Write as though you’ve already achieved your goals. Write as though everything is in past tense and tell about your ups and downs….

I have to admit, I am very excited to start this eight day journey. She said I can start tomorrow so let’s see what happens…
In the meantime, I’m going to rest. I am not working until May 1st so I plan to relish every moment until I become a slave to another 9-5 job that I dislike. I would much rather God whisper into the ears of casting directors for the last few auditions I’ve had, and tell them to give me a callback. I want to be cast in a feature film or have a recurring role on a television show soon.
I don’t know why but I get the feeling I’m about to hear from my agent about another audition. My chest always tightens up because it costs time, money and effort for each audition. By the time I submit my self tape, I’m completely exhausted because I want each one so badly. But I know that if God is in control of my story, then desiring something too much is wasted energy.
I have studio tomorrow. I plan to study my songs today. I can’t wait to hear how everything will turn out! I know I’ll be surrounded by weed tomorrow; but I’ll stay strong.
Yesterday, the videographer smelled as though he had about a pound of the best weed in his bag. It smelled so yummy, and I wanted to smoke ….but I didn’t. He didn’t offer any but I could have easily asked him to smoke with me ….but I didn’t. Instead, I dreamt last night I had weed and cigarillos. I didn’t smoke in my dream though. I just saw it in my possession and I contemplated smoking in my dream then woke up around 6am.
I know I’ll never be recovered from my addiction. I had a mimosa this past Monday, and instantly wanted to smoke. Alcohol triggers my smoking so I guess I have to say goodbye to that as well. Oh, the square life…Full of early bedtimes, no partying, and avoiding triggers. My “fun” exists now in food, gym, and quality time with family. Though, this is not bad trade off.

“Jesus, thank you for placing this therapist in my life to help me. Thank you for this app that helps my mental health. I pray for everyone on this app as well; may they find peace. Give us strength to make wise decisions each day. Give us joy & let us always find refuge in you. I personally pray for my confidence to grow. Along with confidence, I also pray for my faith to increase. I need you so desperately in my life. I don’t have the means to reach my dreams & aspirations without you. Only you can place the right people in my life and direct my path towards success. I don’t have the money, connections, or popularity to have my music heard all over the world. I can keep auditioning but only you know the perfect situation for my next film role. Please improve my talents. Touch my voice to sing higher and lower octaves. Give me the wisdom I need to understand the complexities of each character I portray. Protect my mind, body and soul from all evil. Guide me and let me always feel your presence. I pray for your healing touch for myself, loved ones, and anyone reading this. Amen”

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