Someone with my name had cancer, so I panicked…

I just hopped on Google to search “Chelsea’s Open Diary” because I wanted to see if someone already had claimed that name for their website, as it is one I have been toying with. I hit search and Google did it’s little technological dance and filled my screen with results. The first result was “Chelsea’s Cancer Journey – an open diary cancer experience”. I read that and felt a shudder go through my whole body. Why did that link spook me? Fear. Fear that some kind of cosmic alignment had put that link in front of me. “You’ve had some health problems recently, what if it is actually cancer and the Universe has arranged this specific series of events tonight to lead you to this Chelsea’s blog as a warning!”. Literally that was the first thought that the emotion of fear shouted into my head upon seeing that link. I kid you not, that’s how rampant my anxiety gets.

Luckily, I’m well aware of how powerful fear is and how quickly it grabs hold of me so I stepped back from my computer, took a breath, took a sip of my drink, then returned to my lap top, closed the Google page and thought “I need to either talk this out or write this out before the fear expands and engulfs the rest of my night. Thoughts and emotions are powerful creators, so I need to wash this fear outta my system pronto because my health and well being are my priority.” I picked up my phone, considered calling a loved one for a chat to heighten my mood and take my mind off this absurd detour of deranged anxiety (my usual cure). Then I put the phone back down, remembering how powerful a balm writing is for me and how much I have been enjoying it lately, and so I opened up this document. So here I am, typing out this bizarre moment of my night.

Fear is a wild beast and unless you find out what weapon or tool you best know how to wield to control it, it will devour you. The best weapon I have against the beast of fear is writing, communicating. For me translating the ethereal nature of thought into the hearty substance of word shifts my energy. This practice, of talking or writing out my thoughts, allows me to communicate out my issues. I thrive on communication. I’m a Fifth Chakra homie. Ask anyone who knows me, I could talk from sun up to sun down without losing steam or missing a beat. I’m a Chatty Cathy. I think fast, speak fast, and type even faster. Fear, if left inside your mind to browse and move things around at will has the potential to do some serious damage in the form of literally re-wiring your responses and reactions. Writing or talking it out is how I push out fears, any type of fear. Sometimes my fears are legitimate, sometimes my fears are absurd (like the fear I could get cancer just because someone else with the same name as me somewhere in the world has it and I happened to come across her public blog from God knows how many years ago *insert rolling eyes here* Really, Chelsea?)

Anyways, I just had to jot this down while it was fresh. Curiously, in this case fear was both a negative and a positive. Negatively, fear caused me to panic about a potential illness (something I know is silly and unfounded). Positively, fear is the very emotion that got my creative juices flowing and allowed me to write this (a writing endeavor and challenge I likely would not have taken on tonight without fears push).

Fear exists, it’s rowdy, it wants your attention, but it’s up to you how you respond to it.

CBW

 

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2 weeks ago

I sometimes think things are meant to be? Like our thoughts and decisions are pre-programmed, obviously there not otherwise I’d be many things all of which I’m not!

I too have just recently found this platform, I wasn’t actively looking for it but it found me, or maybe google knows that I wanted to blog or keep a diary?

The fact you’re here and you like to write and talk is a good thing? I think you can type anything into Google these days and the big C word comes up so I wouldn’t worry.

Glad you’re here, keep safe and take care.

Vince.

CBW
2 weeks ago

@vince2day Thanks internet friend =)

2 weeks ago

I suffer from anxiety as well. Writing or talking to a friend helps me. I wish I could be more help as offer a solution, but I haven’t found one out. All I know is how to minimize the panic sometimes I color also to calm my nerves. Hang in there I’m rooting for you *hugs*

CBW
2 weeks ago

@dancingthrough Thank you for the kind note =) It’s great to meet people who also like to work through life’s ups and downs creatively instead of resorting to the numbing solutions of drinking/drugs/mindless entertainment. I think the anxiety/depression/panic shows up in our system to tell us something, to get us to lean back and address an emotional disturbance we haven’t resolved yet. I try and start there, at the root of the problem, but it’s not always easy to do that in the red hot moment of panic. Oh well, we’re all just doing our best haha *returns virtual hug*