I listen to a favorite song

…playing on the radio.
The DJ says Love’s a game of easy come, and easy go.
But I wonder, what does he know?
Has he ever felt like this?
And I know that you’d be here right now,
If I’d have found the words somehow…

This is our vanity:  That we think we should have always found the words.
This is our pride:  That we think we could have tried harder and made it work with Will alone.
This is our fear:  That we could never have done it better and will fail again if we try.
This is our glory: We are willing to fail if Love be the Goal.

Do I see the difference?  Did I know I felt there was a difference in vanity and pride? But here it is!  The language is the clue!  Vanity is privilege, pride is effort, but both are wrong.  I should have found them, why?  Did I deserve it somehow?  Why do I think this?  Privilege.
I should have been strong enough, why? Why do I think this?  Am I a God?  Can I stop the Sun from crossing the sky?  (Well, yes, cuz science, but that ain’t what this is).

I am my worst critic and my best cheerleader and if you look from outside in you do not see the myriad of other conversations going on to keep mein balance while apparently I am hating the shit out of everything I am.  Nah, that is just the drill sergeant I repurposed to kick me out of bed when I ask why.  Because I fucking said to, is what he says.  Others sing and cajole, or use reason, or care bear love stares, but hey, sometimes nothing is better than a good ol’ kick in the ass.

But is also because I am so arrogant that you won’t be able to hurt my feelings if I don’t think I am wrong.  I already considered your arguments and the consequences of my actions, but sure, I’ll take a break while I listen to them again.  Ah, that was nice, thank you Father for the spell of calmness while I breathe whatever this fool leaves me.  Oxygen thief, some of them, but I love them like a stupid dog.  I think.  I never met a stupid dog, but I vow to love it as much as I have learned to Love a mean human, which I have met a lot of.

We grow through the reflection of how we surmounted the struggle we just got through.  This is why we revel after battle, and before we bury.  First, we celebrate Life, then we bury the dead.  This country has it backwards, and then it still disrespects those that fell for Her.


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