My only „no“

I was talking about past memories with my friends during the break before, and I was asked about my punk-phase. Yes, I had a punk-phase. Now I look like a very normal, almost boring woman, I dress in normal clothes, I am not extravagant and I am, I would say, very conformist. Just sometimes you can guess the shape of my tattoos on my arms through the shirts, and I am used to wearing long sleeves to cover my scars. But that is all.

Talking about the past made me think about Kerstin, the girl I loved the most in my whole life. She was punk. I became a punk to impress her. I was that weak. Weak inside, so weak to change who I was just to win her heart. I would never ever change the way I am for a woman again. She just used me to get my money. I just had one moment of revenge and strenght with Kerstin, and this was the last time I ever saw her: I visited her, because she needed money again, and after I gave her 100 francs (allegedly because she needed money to buy food for her dog, actually because she wanted to buy drugs and alcohol) she offered me to spend the night with her. I know we would have had sex. Most probably. This looked like prostitution to me. I give you money, you give me sex. I decided that I did not want to pay Kerstin for a night of love, she was on sale maybe but I was not that desperate to buy a woman. I could have better. She could have someone more similar to her. She had a new flirt every week, a new woman every weekend who spent the night with. I would have just been one of the many. I decided that I did not want that woman under those conditions, so I said no, I took the first train home and I left her there, with 100 francs more to buy alcohol and drugs – I know this was wrong, I was not doing her any good. But at least I saved myself from an unhealthy addiction to a person who was harming me.

After Kerstin, I never loved a woman in the same intense way. Now I sometimes feel like I am not able to fall in love again, not in the same way, not with the same enthusiasm. I can have feelings, or I can find a girl attractive or flirt. But Kerstin broke something, definitely, and I will never forget her sad smile when she took me to the station, after my one and only „no“ to her, and I left.