Three weeks ago, my husband of nearly 10 years,left. It was a shock but not a surprise. Truth be told, we should have never been a permanent thing, let alone last as long as we did. I am doing well, though overwhelmed as more and more things come to my attention that I need to handle. I’ve also seen my soon to be ex put more effort and research into divorce than he ever did for our marriage or our child. He’s a crap dad, a crap husband. He just is. I am no shining star but at least i made an effort and cared. Three weeks is a long time to not miss someone. When I look back, I see we’ve been separated for 4.5 years,this just made it official and visible.
My ex and i have a house we’re paying a mortgage on but to a private owner, so it’s ours but not ours all at the same time. Instead of a bank owning it, a dude named Terry does. I want out, the ex left. The house needs thousands of dollars in repairs. New paint, new flooring, new pipes, new floors, skirting, yard work. THOUSANDS. I of course have been left to deal with that issue. Such a fucking nightmare. He just splits and syas “Ill help with repairs” and ever mentions it again. He cant even have a civil conversation without it being weird so how am i supposed to bring this all up?He wants out of the marriage so bad, he’s willing to do just about anything. GOOD. It’s about fucking time he stepped up, honestly.
Now—how the fuck am *I* going to make it happen? Working from home a few jobs might cut it to save, but then what? And I still have to consider my ex in all things, especially where it concerns my son. If I move into the city limits our access to things increases 1000X but our ability to not have to deal with other people decreases about 10000X. If I’m inside the city, I might have opportunity to work where my son can also come with me, though i imagine those are few and far between jobs. To top it off, I have no idea what I want to do. A degree in criminal justice and sociology do not carry a lot of weight unless I want to be a cop. Not fucking happening.
I know exactly what I want, I just don’t know how to get it. I want a job I can work from home that isn’t all consuming but still pays the bills. I want a place in the middle of the country, surrounded by woods and forests ,mountains and streams. I want to grow and sell cannabis, either to private parties or to dispensaries, but I’d prefer private parties. I want to have animals and spend my days outside. I want to raise my son knowing how to care for the land, the water, animals and people. I want to travel. I want to go places I’ve never been,hear,see,taste,smell,feel and experience the world in ways I’ve never done. I want someone by my side while I adventure. While we adventure together. A female someone. 😍
I want another child. I want a different life —-the one I’ve wanted this whole time but didn’t have a partner, instead a hindrance to happiness, true happiness. I want meaningful conversations under the stars. I want midnight ice cream runs and 3AM picnics under the stars in Arizona. I want to explore this world. I am halfway thru this life. I want the last half o be a shining example of how to fully live life, without fear. I want to have fun,explore,see the world through a new lens, an ever changing lens. I want to learn and learn and learn and teach my son so much more than a classroom could ever allow.
I have needed an outlet for a long time. I used to have an OD back in the day (2006-2009. OD O.G.) and I couldn’t recover it, so I left it where it was–in the past. That was 10 versions of me ago. I remember her, but don’t want to see her again and relive her life.
This one is mine now until the new, new beginning.