I might as well explain why I am writing this journal a little more. As I mentioned in my last post, change is the reason for it. Well, the change is that I am going to start living life as I should have all along, and it starts with a decision to quit just saying what I am, and begin to live like it. I want to tell you a quick story.
In 1989, I met this “shy guy” in a bahavioral care facility, I will not use their given name, as they wanted to be known as Gloria, and I will respect her wish out of love. It became apparent that Gloria was definately interested in what I had to offer. She would come and sit down by me at the meetings, and workshops. She would go to A.A. Meetings just because I did. You get the picture. Before I left, we exchanged numbers, and kept in touch while I lived with my grandparents, to keep from being put back in DHS custody.
One day I asked them if they could drive me a couple towns over to visit her. We make it over to the park that we were to meet at, and I see her at the bench she told me she would be at. My grandparents went cold when they realized that not only was she African-American, but that she was also a ‘male’ in their eyes. After a short visit, because my grandmother was distressed about something (That I was visiting my friend). They made excuses about not taking me back over to visit. A few weeks later, I wind up in the custody of the state once again. The day after I am admitted to the state facility, Gloria shows up as well. This time, we get put in the same room.
Before this time, I had done a few things, mostly to make sure that my family had food, but that was about it. I was in for a wild ride, that started off a chain of events that changed the dynamic of my life. It started out simple enough, dancing to the radio just loud enough for us to hear it in the room, touching, etc, while we were in our room. Of course as things happen with teens, things went from there. After a few weeks, a few of us were getting tired of the abusiveness of a couple orderlies being ignored. Gloria and two other kids in custody with us planned an escape. It just so happens that the window in our room was perfect, so even though the other two were opposed I was recruited into the plan. I am the one who found the tool to release the lock on the window, and when the time came, I was the one who popped the lock. After the thirdshift change, we make our break.
We make it to the interstate, and sprint across. As I make to the shoulder I stumble and slide, hitting a jagged piece of metal, we did not know it at first, because it was a cold February night, but I had a good gash on my side. As we are running down the street, I noticed a serious pain in my side form, and I began slowing down. Gloria noticed, and halted everyone else. One of the other ones made a snide remark about how he knew I would slow them down. Gloria defended me because of my asthma. I told them about the pain, and I put my hand on the area and yelped. I drew my hand away from where I touched, and there was a lot of blood. That was when everyone realized how screwed I was.
After much discussion about what to do next, we decide to split earlier than planned. Gloria was bent on making me go to the ER. She told me that she couldn’t live with herself if I was seriously injured or died because of her. We finally agreed that I would go to the facility that we met at since it was in the children’s hospital. After her please to go up and actually get help, she asks if she could kiss me. I agreed as the elevator bell sounded. The kiss that she laid on me, I will never forget it. The love, the passion, the desire that I felt in the kiss, shocked, excited, aroused, me so much that I was not sure what to do. She breaks the kiss and pushes me into the elevator and orders me to “Go!” I remember as I watched her cross the street through the elevator windows, I thought that I loved it. That scared me as well.
I was given a bandage to put on the wound, and was returned to the state hospital. About five days later they bring Gloria back in, and because they had no other choice, they put her back in my room. That night we took things to the next level. The other two were captured and brought back within two weeks. About a week later I help the three escape again, this time they leave me behind because the wound was still open, nope, they refused to stitch it, because they decided I needed a reminder I guess. I pop the window agai, and distract the orderly a couple times during hourly checks. So they got away again.The next day the really violent orderly crosses the line and breaks my nose, gives me a shiner, and bruises some ribs because I told him he would not know if they were up his ass kicking footballs (Now as a forty-six year old, I think I would have kicked my ass for that as well). So I am released, and I lose contact with her for awhile, while my life falls a part, and I make some hugely stupid decisions in my life.
Gloria commited suicide, not long after I called her and talked to her a while. One of the last things that she told me was that she would not wait forever for me, but she still had hopes that I would finally give her a chance. There is not a time that I do not smile when I think of her, and when I think of this memory I think that what is funny, is yes I have been in love since, and even before then, but this one is the one that I miss the most.
Over the years, I have dated men and women, and after much thought, I have come to a decision. I have always had a deeper connection with men than I ever had with women. Distant, cold, uncaring, have been used when it comes to how I treat those that I have even just dated, more so, when it comes to women. With men, it was the fear that my family would disapprove, and so would society, so that would look bad on the family image. With women, I can find them sexy, desirable, good people, with good hearts, but I can not really see me settling down with just a woman, But this part of it is for another post about how I view relationships except, in regards to why I think I am more attracted to men.
Sitting here getting to know you. Open Diary is a safe place to express your thoughts. Hopefully you can get a lot of feedback in the note portion. Have a good night. 😎
@tracker2020, Thank you.
Wow. I don’t even have words. I’m so happy that you’re working on getting past all of the cruel hardship you’ve experienced. Your good heart really shines through your words.