No Alarms & No Surprises. Please.

I realize that I am a worrier and I really do my best not to worry about things. Health wise, I hardly have abnormalities. I’ve never been to a doctor’s office more than this year. The amount of trips I’ve made are for my health, I guess, but mostly my unborn child. And really the first two trimesters went by fast and we did have some stuff in the beginning about him measuring smaller than he should. He caught up. And now his tummy is measuring smaller than it should, but I wouldn’t have known that without the million appointments I have. Some women don’t do all these appointments. Like Mama Earth friend who doesn’t vaccinate or tells me to eat elderberries was pretty calm during her pregnancy and didn’t have all the appointments I do. Then I read about people who do the hands off approach and their baby dies in birth of a complication they could have found weeks before if she would have just gone to her two week apts at the end.

When people comment on my size, it’s not a vanity thing that I get mad about. Technically, in any other time in my life, someone calling me small would’ve made me pleased.  This is a different time in my life where it’s not necessarily the best thing to be small. I don’t like hearing that I’m small. Small makes me worry about my small child who has a small abdomen which can cause complications for him if he stays in too long if my placenta or umbilical cord isn’t doing what it should for him. Small means I have to take off more time from school (which I don’t care about, but need to plan for). Small makes me think I’m not doing things right, although I eat super well, hardly eat sugar (just because I don’t have any cravings for my usual dessert choices) and I’m working out (fairly calm type workouts) at least four times a week or more.  I have to find a way to be more calm. I don’t need to pass my stress onto my unborn child who is already getting named something that means he has to take the world upon his shoulders. Sorry, kid.

When looking back at my appointment conversation, I don’t feel like the doctor was concerned. But she is saying that some of these signs are the first sign of preeclampsia, which I really do not want. I do not swell much. I do not have headaches. I do not have side pain. She just stated that this could be, not necessarily is. She was more or less just stating the facts about his small abdomen and that it will be monitored and what will happen is he will have to come a bit earlier than I had expected. There’s really not an issue yet. There’s nothing I need to worry about at this second, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. It’s sort of who I am. It’s such a weird experience this whole thing. And the hormones do not help me remain unemotional. I would like to cry and just about everything at this time. I have an appointment Monday to get checked again. Maybe my kid could like…catch up in that time so I can spend these last weeks not petrified of issues that I can Google.

That’s really all.

I wrote this at school so that I couldn’t have emotions about it and that was super helpful.

The end.