Once again I find myself up at night, questioning my actions, questioning your actions, and wondering if we are going to make it. My gut tells me we are, but you ability to end things at the drop of a pin make me question. Although relationships are so much more complex, I truly believe it comes down to pros and cons. If those pros don’t outweigh the cons then there is a big problem. You tell me you love me for who I am, yet I feel like you have been trying to change me from the beginning. I have started to play your game, which I am not proud of. I find myself now wanting you to change. I had a revelation recently that made me think. Is the guy always to pursue the girl? I am starting to think so, which leaves the responsibility of changing on me. Or maybe that is just your cop out so you don’t have to work on yourself. I am expected to accept everything about you and who you are, ignore all the mean things you say and move forward. You expect me work and fix the relationship as if it is solely my job. You act as if you will never actually leave me and are waiting for me to decide what I want. All the means things i have said to you are tallied up in your head, and you get angry when I express that I am ALSO healing from past hurt you have caused. Am I to end things if I can’t accept who you are or if I am not willing to change the things you desire? According to you, I should do you the decency of breaking up if I decide that that list tips in an unfavorable direction. You are stuck in this relationship just waiting for me to decide. Stringing me along, resenting me, and snapping from a light breeze. On one hand i understand what you are saying, assuming I agree that the man is always to pursue the woman. It is my responsibility to decide if I want you or not. I don’t think I agree with your thought process, I think that with every relationship comes compromise and when I don’t like something about you, its reasonable for you to work on yourself, just as I have started to work on myself, assuming those things aren’t core character traits or are unreasonable requests. If you love someone, you can’t always do what you want. You told me you were selfish from the beginning, but I didn’t know you were that selfish. Take me for who I am or fuck off, but here is a list of things that I should be changing about myself. Once again I find this to be a double standard. I guess I am a little confused on where I stand with the whole thing. I don’t think its right to expect change from me, while you refuse to compromise because you have gotten everything you way your entire life. I guess I will see how important this relationship is to you.
Silly boy. Sounds like you haven’t met a woman yet and you’re still messing around with little girls. A woman can initiate a relationship. A guy doesn’t always have to be in charge. Maybe you should just show your current girlfriend the door and tell her not to let it hit her on the way out. And a real relationship is sometimes about compromise. Whatever you do, I hope you manage to do it with a little dignity and a bit of humor.
It’s funny you mention compromise because that is one of the words that came to my mind on your last entry. It’s not fair for her to put it all on you to decide if the relationship will work or not. Her unwillingness to acknowledge her part in your trust issues and your uncertainty with the relationship is also unfair. It seems like you’re the only one willing you put in work. I think it needs to be more 50/50, more effort on her end and less, “hey dude, the ball is in your court, end of.” If that makes sense haha it’s almost like she’s forcing you to give up so that she’s not the dumper, the “bad guy”. That comes off controling or manipulative to me. Also I think not understanding one another and not reaching common ground will be a perpetual issue until one of you has had enough. But I still feel like I’m just making judgment on very little. I will have to read back on your diary to get up to speed. 🙂
What are the things you’re working on if you don’t mind me asking? What are the things you think she could work on?
@nothingfornow I am working on not being so reactive, as of late I have been very on edge. I wasn’t like this in the beginning of our relationship. I am working on not people pleasing so much and doing whats good for me. I am working on being more honest, since I am a people pleaser and feel like my dad abandoned me when I was a kid, I hate to upset people. So rather than saying it like it is, I tend to tell white lies. Mix that with her being very irritable due to substance abuse and you have a bad combo. I think I have come a long way though, I have been working with a therapist for a few months now. I don’t communicate that well verbally, writing has always been an easier way for me to organize my thoughts and feelings. I think she needs to work on her coping skills, as of now its substances. She can be very unpredictable, makes me feel like I am walking on egg shells. One day she is stable and reasonable, and the next she is fiery and angry. Her mother has borderline personality disorder which I think is why she acts the way she does, because her mom was so mean to her as a kid. She loves to give advice but doesn’t like to take it, nobody tells her what to do. But when it comes to us, she feels like I don’t listen to her when I don’t heed her advice. It has just become so messy, and a lot of it feels like my fault because I didn’t really know what I needed out of this relationship and people pleased in the beginning. But people grow and change and so do relationships, she doesn’t want it to though.
Firstly sorry for the delay. I can be slow in responding but only because I like to give my full attention.
Your people pleasing and not being completely honest is relatable. It’s good you know where it comes from though. That helps and will continue to help you navigate through those mechanisms with awareness.
Has she always been using? Or in the beginning was it not as bad? Maybe she is self-medicating an undiagnosed mental illness? I’m not sure exactly how it works but if her mom has borderline personality disorder, she might have it too. If not genetic then definitely her upbringing like you said. Unpredictability is such a difficult thing too for someone like you who doesn’t want to upset anyone. I totally get that.
I think the double standards need to be put to rest. It can’t be all her way. It sounds like you’re trying to have an honest conversation with yourself and work out what you truly want from a relationship and not just go with the flow. If your current relationship fits your ideal.
How are you doing? I hope good. You’ll get through all this. You’re already doing the hard part which is talking about it, recognizing what’s not working and trying to apply what you’ve learned so far. Well done.