I am not a religious person. I was born into a Catholic family and raised to be Catholic. At some point in my life. I stopped believing and just went on living.  I have my beef with God which I will talk about. My disagreement with God goes back decades. It is a long time to hold a grudge, but I still am conflicted as to what I should do. We are taught that God is a powerful being, the one and only deity. For he makes all the calls, he has our lives planned out for us. We can get into the idea of free will but that is a whole other topic that doesn’t fit into this.

Our lives are already planned out. God has a plan for each of us. He isn’t a vengeful God. He is all loving. He is that warm embrace we all crave for. So why would a God who is nothing but pure love, take my father from me? It has been the one thing that has boggled my mind for years. It is the one thing that has me question God and his intentions. A God that loves you wouldn’t rob you of a loved one. Why would he? Why burden you with all that grief, that pain, the suffering that seems to last a lifetime?

I miss my dad. I am jealous of those that have a dad. They got to have those memories that I never got. I know my dad loved me. It is silly to think he didn’t. I wonder if I learned anything from him. Did he teach me anything? Did he spend time with me? I don’t think so. I have no memories of my dad. Zero. None. I cannot tell you how he sounded. I don’t know how he smelled. I don’t how he felt. I have nothing. I will never know anything about my dad because God felt it was a good idea to rob me of a father. Did robbing me a father make me a better person? No. It only put a wedge between me and God and have me fill my head with doubt that God is anything but great.

My doubts about God doesn’t make me evil or a bad person. I am a good person. I sin. I sin just like the rest of you. Even those that follow God, they sin just like me. We are an imperfect bunch of people who spend our lives trying to show God how awesome we truly are. In the end, no matter how much we kiss God’s ass, we will, at some point, sin. It doesn’t make us unworthy and less of a person, it shows that we are human and built to fault.  If we never sinned or did no wrong, we would be up there with God. We are built in his image but not built to be him. Sinning is inevitable. The devil is stronger than man. He is constantly pulling at you to succumb to his world. I feel that the devil already has a hold on me and is pulling tighter and tighter. This is a battle I will lose.

It is up to us to accept that we have bad intentions and that we sin. That is the step to accept him.  We cannot claim to be perfect or without sin. We were born tainted and it is it what we decide to do with our lives that matter. We can continue to be a virus and ruin what is good or strive to be a vaccine and put an end to the bad that entangles the world. Sin has a nasty grasp on this world. She isn’t the only one looking to tear you down. There are other pains in this world that want you to suffer and feel like you are alone. Trust me, being alone is not ideal. It eats away at you and will kill your spirit, your will to live and anything good left in you. Loneliness is not something you should wish on anyone. Loneliness comes packaged with many other issues like depression and anxiety.

I struggle with depression and anxiety. A horrible situation. It doesn’t help that the only way for me to beat it is with alcohol, which we all know doesn’t help. It just makes it worse. I am constantly sad. I am constantly worrying about my future and why I was dealt such a horrible hand. I drink to not be sad which by the 9th or 10th beer, I am sad again and wishing for my life to end. Depression can and will attack anyone.

Depression doesn’t care who you are. Depression has no boundaries. It doesn’t care if you are black or if you are white. You can be straight or gay. You can be rich or you can be poor. You can be a believer in a higher power or someone who doesn’t believe in anything. Depression doesn’t care about that. It will attack anyone and no one is immune to depression. .

I have thought about suicide. I came close one night to ending my own life. I still have the note. I was ready to kill myself. I wonder if I ever did go through with it, would I be missed? Would people care. People say they would, but I am sure they don’t. They have struggles and cannot be burdened with ours. We are all fighting our own demons and to toss on more weight to those you love is selfish. Life is a complicated thing. We can’t hit reset and start over. My life is not meaningful enough for you and others to worry about. When it all comes down to it, there was honestly nothing you could have done to have stopped me from killing myself.

I am constantly sad. I am constantly fighting this demon in me to stay alive. I don’t want to die. Living is nice but when depression steps in and grabs ahold of you, she tells you otherwise. Life sucks. No one likes you; no one will care if you die. I wish there was a way to stop this madness. I wish there was someone to save me from this constant battle of pain, sadness and suicidal thoughts. Is God that person? I haven’t spoken to him 20 plus years. Will he be willing to listen?

I don’t know if accepting God will somehow save me from this life but trying to fight this battle alone is moot. A higher power will pull me out of this rut. God does love me.  I just need to see it and accept it. I have denied him for so long. It won’t happen overnight. I struggle with accepting god in my life. He is there, I just want him to listen. A one on one with him would assure me a place in his kingdom. While I may not be a whole believer in heaven and hell. If they are real, I don’t wanna spend eternity burning. That doesn’t sound fun.

Why did life get to this point? I was happy before. I held the world in my hands. I was going places. Nothing was going to ruin the way I felt.  I was on cloud nine and nothing was going to take away this feeling of bliss. It was nice. It was comforting. It was what everyone wants. That feeling that everything will be okay.

Why did life get this way? Why did God let my world fall apart and continue into a spiral of chaos. What did I do to deserve this? A loving God wouldn’t make one of his own children suffer and question his existence and question their own. I should never have to think about ending my life. I shouldn’t have to wonder if that is the best idea to solve my issues.

God is the guy to stop these thoughts. He shouldn’t let me have these horrible ideas. He isn’t that kind of person. He’s all that is good and more. So why? Why would someone so wonderful and awesome put me and others like me through this? I wish I had the answers. Any answer would help. I’m waiting, God. Take your time.

Depression sucks. Depression is a reminder of many things. It reminds you that of many things. It lets you know that you suck, no one cares about you, nothing will ever get better, you can’t do anything right, you’re worthless, you’re better off dead, happiness is a myth, you are a burden on everyone, and life will never get any better. End your life and save us and you the trouble of being alive. Imagine those thoughts all the time. That’s not something you can “just get over it”.

“You will not be missed. Trust me.” She whispers in your ear.

That’s depression. It’s not fun and not just something I can “get over” or “just be happy”. Do not tell me, “it’s just a phase”. This is pure agony. A daily battle of wits. We battle daily. I win some. She wins some. There cannot be two winners. One of us will lose. Am I strong enough to come out on top? I don’t know. It’s the endgame that I worry about.  If I could just snap out of this, I would. That would be awesome.

I wish it were that simple. It’s not. Depression wants you to stop trying. She’s a nasty woman with no regard to your well being.

Depression is a bitch. It will latch on to anyone. It affects all of us and no is safe from her destruction. I have been in her grasp for 3 years now and she is not letting go. She constantly pulls me in and I know I’m stronger but it feels so much easier to give in and just let her do her thing. If giving up and letting her win ends my life , so be it. I would rather not fight this constant battle each day. You don’t know how hard it is to wear a smile when inside you’re screaming for help. If asking for help was just that easy.  Depression is always reminding you that help doesn’t exist. This is your own battle and this is a battle you’re bound to lose.

Fuck depression. I wish I was happy again. Being sad sucks. Faking being happy is just as hard.

But life is a joke. Life doesn’t accept your plans. The adage goes, make plans and god laughs. Life has a way of uprooting itself and causing pain, suffering, and bringing chaos into your world. It will bog you down and burying you in heaps of self-denial, worries and the constant feeling that nothing will ever improve. You’re in a tailspin heading for disasters and all you can do it watch in horror as the ground gets closer and you can’t stop it from happening.

I was once happy. I was once full of hope and the assurance that the future will be bright and will bring me only joy and a endless buffet of amazing life choices that will only make everything better and better. You can’t hate that. That is amazing. Happiness is a wonderful feeling. Spend your day just feeling content, full of love and laughter. The hardest part of living is wearing a smile that means nothing,

To watch that world that was perfect crumble around you can break a person. There is only so much a person can take till you had enough. We are strong but we are human. We will break. We will succumb to defeat and to be at a point in your life when you only chose defeat and not fighting for a chance to prevail, it a low point in your life.

I am there. I am at this point in life that feels like nothing will help. I am attending church. I enjoy it. I can feel something but not sure if it is enough to pull me out of this pit of darkness and shed some light in my life. The darkness is a cold place. It is a lonely place and there is no one else there with you. We all have our own darkness. We will each suffer alone. Hell is loneliness. It is painful and there is no one else there but you.

Is attending mass something I should give up on? I am opening my ears and my heart to God. My heart yearns for him, It wants that fire inside to burn with compassion and love. I feel like it is too little, too late. I feel like I have left God aside for far too long that he knows I am nothing but a lost cause. He could have saved me earlier but decided I am just a failed experiment to him and he will be tend to those who truly believe and not some poor sap only looking for redemption after so many years of neglect.

I am a lost sheep. I will not find the flock and when my journey ends on this plane, it will continue on a plane of pain, suffering, and a constant reminder that I am alone and will be for all eternity. It was the hand I was dealt and I need to accept it. My attempt to reach out to God will be pointless. He knows it. I know it. I would be better off inside a pine box laying six feet under you and all the others with hope, dreams, and a will to live. Suicide may be wrong but the pain only last seconds compared to the years of pain I endure being alive.

I am still going to try. I hope God can make time for me and listen. I don’t want my cries to fall on deaf ears. I want him to listen, to feel compassion for me and to hold me. I pray for death to take me away but there is that small voice in my head that tells me, there is hope. I have a chance to be happy again. I will keep looking. I will keep fighting. God, if you are reading this, lets grab a coffee. I need your help.

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Same with me. I miss my dad too. I’m Jewish though.

December 26, 2020

One thing that has been tried and works for people when they feel down is singing.  Doesn’t matter if you have a good voice – just find some songs you like and sing them to yourself.  Sad songs or happy ones, either will work.  Pop, classical, or even hymns.  Give it a try.