I see it happening again…well not exactly, but this is how it started. How the anxiety attacks started, which led me to a Clinic…

Round about this time last year I found out my husband was having an affair. Okay he wasn’t really having an affair but in my eyes it was pretty close. speaking over Move It to some girl who lived in the UK…she sending pictures of her boobs to him…him telling her “Fuck my Wife…” and the two of them fantasizing about being together….her moving to Cape Town to be with him and having me on the side. Fuck, while I am writing this I am asking myself why the fuck did I stay with him. I mean this would have been my perfect out. Of course then his drinking was real bad and I would come home from work to find hidden bottles of alcohol in the flat. After confronting him about the Move It messages that I managed to see on his phone, I managed to crab the phone from him before he could delete the messages like he did before, he got me to believe that it was just a slip and she meant nothing….he was just trying to console her as she was having issues with her baby daddy, and he was just venting because of his stresses.

I wish I had an escape for my stresses.

I looked in the fridge this morning to get an idea of what to prepare for supper tonight and…besides last night’s left over pasta these was nothing else. I used the last few fruits we had to make Protein Shakes for us.

When we were driving to my work, the ‘Milano Traffic Demo‘ went off to indicate that the petrol was real low…on the Rock it

I was holding back tears while we were driving to my work.

I am holding back tears now.

My husband told me that he has R 500 for us. That will get us through until I get paid… but I got my notification on my phone calendar that I have to renew the car license…so there is another couple of grand, I have to fork up. I don’t know what to do.

I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out. 

For a few months now I have been playing the Sparkle Dream and Christmas Sparkle PERSONAL USE and every few days I pray that I picked the lucky numbers that are going to win us those millions. I have it all planned out. Donating some to my husband’s church and to my synagogue. Helping out Families. Covering out Accounts and Loan and Investing some. Getting my dream house. Our dream cars. Hope writing this all didn’t just jinx me.

Yesterday, I was looking at a friend’s Facebook page and saw that she has a new boyfriend….well been with him for a few months now, but he lives in JHB and she lives in CT. While I was scrolling through her page, I saw how she travels up to see him and he travels to see her. He just took her away on a trip to a wine farm. Dream Miracless Regular .

Why can I not be treated and just made to feel special. Yesterday I was looking around our messy flat and I saw the roses that I bought myself…they are now dead, so not quite sure why they are still in their vase on the dining room table, and then I looked at the washing that was on the washing stand and saw a t-shirt that I bought him a few weeks ago…and I thought to myself KG Shake it Off? Like when I am doing house shopping I think about what he may like and if I can afford it, I will buy it. When he told me that he got R 500 for us to use to buy petrol and food, I thanked him profusely and he says Last Dream , do things have to be so bad for him to actually do something to help our situation?


Log in to write a note
November 23, 2021

You need to leave this sucker in the dust. 🙁

November 23, 2021

@lovelymariquita – I love this sucker.

November 23, 2021

@ncumisa Lawd.

November 23, 2021

Okay, I have to ask… completely unrelated to the entry… how do you get all the different fonts? I can’t seem to make them work.

I know how it is to love someone who does this kid of stuff. A and I have been at it all morning. I don’t understand why he can be so nice to everyone else and make them think he’s such a great guy, but me he treats like shit. Aren’t I the one he’s not supposed to be treating this way?

November 23, 2021

@caria – I do believe that in your husbands eyes you are his queen and he should treat you with love and respect and he should treasure you. So I feel that if you are not getting that, you should find someone or live a life where you feel that way.

Now I know this may seem like me being a kettle, but my husband does treat me well and does treasure me, it is just when he has been drinking and when he is being so nonchalant and not thinking about being all romantic.

As for my fonts…I use this site fontspace and then I just copy and paste. Yeah, there are no fun fonts on OD,  or at least I don’t know of any.

November 23, 2021

I know all of us telling you that you’re struggles with your husband aren’t worth your sanity won’t make you leave him. But I hope one day you learn to love yourself more than you love him. You have a lot of potential and sound like a lovely person. I certainly hope you escape chapter in life…you’re like a princess stuck in the tower awaiting change. I hope you make the leave and go find your fairytale ending and feel truly valued. You deserve that.

November 24, 2021

Thank You, @queengloom.

As much as I love him, I know me staying with him has a lot to also do with maybe me not feeling I am worth more…me being scared of living the rest of my life alone…me just accepting him and the situation because I don’t want to be without him, I am comfortable with him, and I guess I don’t want to look like a failure. In a way I would rather have him leave me.

But then, when things are going well between us, they are great!

November 24, 2021

Okay, I got the fonts I wanted downloaded, but even copy and pasting, I can’t make them show up on OD. What am I doing wrong?

November 24, 2021

Hee hee…you are funny, @caria. I write the word on Fontspace and pick the font I like, then I will either click CRT+C or Right Click ‘Copy’ then go to where I want it on my page and either CRT+V or Right Click ‘Paste’. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get the word to paste.

I didn’t download any fonts. I just use the site. I know you are meant to join etc, but I would rather use the site for free.

November 24, 2021

@ncumisa I downloaded for free, and I have the fonts on Word so I can use them. I would think the copy & paste should still be the same though.

November 24, 2021

@caria – that is weird. I don’t know why it is not working then. I have been using Fontspace for years and haven’t had any issues…well besides having to try a couple of times to get something to paste. My advice is to keep trying.

November 24, 2021

@ncumisa I will!

November 24, 2021

@caria 👍