I am scared!

Today I reached my breaking point, but I am scared.

So I am busy transferring phones and since my new phone didn’t have my SIM card in it I had to leave it at home. No prob but I no longer had WhatsApp on my phone, so I couldn’t chat to my husband who decided to work from home today.

When I get to work I send him an sms. It was so weird typing out an sms, everything is WhatsApp or Social Network now. Anyway he didn’t reply…and I was okay with that. Today at work was a great day. We are moving office so I spent most of the day packing up the office and I felt so free not being chained to my desk and constantly replying to WhatsApp messages from my husband. But at about lunch time I was a lil worried that he hasn’t replied to my sms, so I  called him.

And I knew it. I could sense it. He went in about being loaded with lots of work and everything.

I come home and he is busy working. I just say hi and go off and do housework….

clean the dishes

do the laundry

When I come face to face with him, I see it.

His eyes are bloodshot.

While I was cooking supper, I asked him if he drank today. He brushes off the question and tells me he smoked weed….huh? I asked him again if he drank. He just turns and opens the fridge. So I ask him is he smoked at the kitchen sink. He just shrugs and says yes. I flip and go on about how I asked him yesterday and millions of time before that not to smoke at the kitchen sink. He then acts all surprised and oblivious that I ever asked him that. I then ask him again if he drank today. He shrugs and says yes.

It is 20h27 right now and he has been snoring since 8pm. I get being tired and falling asleep….so I cannot be too mad about that. I mean I have my tired moments too. It just bothers me how he is tired because he is babalas…

I am lying in bed right now and for the past hour all I have been thinking about is how I want a divorce….although it wouldn’t really be a divided if we are not even legally married.
As much as I don’t want to share my life with him anymore, as unhappy as I feel when I am with him, I don’t know how to proceed to end things.

I know from the past that he has sweet talked me into believing that things will work out and he will change.

I am worried about where he would go.

I am scared of being on my own. I mean who is going to want a FAT, 36 year old.

Even though I have the capital, I don’t know how I would manage to financially keep myself above the water.

I want a child, and if I actually go ahead and end things with him, I will never be able to have a child.

I am stuck. I don’t want this life anymore.

I know if I speak to my sisters or father they would encourage me to end things.
And I know I have written this in many posts before and have failed to follow through. So I cannot trust how I feel now, is how I will feel tomorrow.

But I just feel that being alone would be better than living with a guy who is more concerned about getting drunk, speaks about leaving the country and immigrating to the UK, doesn’t want to actually grow up and be a man and proper partner….

I am thinking about finding an occupational therapist or maybe just a therapist so I can talk all of this out and get some advice.

I don’t know…..