Numb…

That is what this 2022 was all about. Loosing weight! Finding my own circle of friends and family. Finding my own place in the circle of life. But it just wasn’t ever going to be enough.

The other day…actually regularly he sees how I am changing and he sees how this as me getting ready to push him out. Me becoming Jewish and having the Bariatric Op…hence me looking good. The other day I told him how I look forward to good looking guys checking me out. I mean I did emphasis how I had no intention to act on any of that but it would be nice to feel wanted. Anyway so he turned this all on to how he plans to make himself better. He has lost weight and is making more of an effort to look good... He is in the process of purchasing himself a 2nd hand Mercedes Benz…just waiting for his salary to come through…about that. The plan was for him to get his salary yesterday and then go put down the deposit. But he never got his salary so he was all stressed and angry and so he took my Debit Card to buy himself Vodka. . Anyway he drank himself to sleep after belittling me.

Telling me how he plans on being a self made man with no help from anyone. (so he says to me) What the Fuck have I been doing for he past 10 years? Giving him a roof to live under…buying him clothes and underwear…buying him food…taking him to work and out to restaurants and giving him a good quality life. But of course he is going to be a self made man, having had no help from anyone. I mean yes he thanked me for being around when he was waitering and stumbling around, and how I still stood by him. But of course that means nothing. I am the one that told him to get himself a car and to grow up. I am the one that told him to make plans and start living his life and doing more than what he has been doing. He is now negotiating an increase in his salary, although I would prefer him to get a new job, he is busy making new ways to earn more money…have other sources of income…but hey never mind me encouraging him to do all this…he is going this all on his own.

Whatever I do is not enough.

I don’t cook him meals….but when I ask him what he wants he says he doesn’t know…

I don’t clean…okay I will take that on, because I don’t clean much, but I do sometimes.

I don’t prepare him lunch for work…I sometimes do, but after while I stopped when he was coming home with all the food I prepared for him, because someone at work bought him lunch or gave him some of theirs. After feeling a lil jealous, from him going on how this girl bought him lunch and then this other girl gave him some lunch from what she cooked the night before…so I made him some lunch for work. He did send me a WhatsApp thank you.

His sister went away for the weekend so we can have some alone time together. It has been months since we have had our flat to ourselves and could be intimate.

Yeah…she might have as well stayed with us for the weekend. Since he has been drunk all weekend, belittling me, I have been pissed off and kept to myself and we haven’t touched each other.

He has been going off driving and insisting that I drive his car, but I don’ want to and he keeps going about how fast it is… 

It is Xmas and I woke up to him snoring….went back to sleep and woke up to him being gone…he calls to tell me he has gone driving and will fetch his sister later. So been on my own all day and it has been wonderful, although lonely. I did some cleaning and washing and reading and sleeping and laughing to FRIENDS. I planned to make a nice dinner for all of us and set the table but I am so not in the mood to do anything, so will cook the food and everyone can eat it however the please to eat it; most likely in front of the tv and around the coffee table as the dinner table it filled with books and random shit.

This is my life now. Getting satisfaction from my vibrator and feeling content with reading some book on my kindle. Last week I read 5 books in a week. Each book was about +/- 300 pages but I was just so isolated and alone that the only fun I could have was reading some fiction rom com and using my vibrator. I am 36 and this is my life.

At the end of this week my husband and I are supposed to go away for a few days to celebrate 4 years of being married and to celebrate the new year. I think I would have more fun on my own on come island and just being free.

He keeps asking me if I love him. And I do love him, but I struggle saying it to him. Maybe that should be my sign to actually end things.

He spoke to his father about how he is now choosing his marriage over his sister and telling her she needs to find other living arrangements asap.

But even with her gone, I don’t know how that is going to better our situation. He asks me what I require of him. I am so tired of answering the same question and there not being any change.